On most days pictures of a re-hotted Britney Spears letting Jayden's favorite hobby (i.e. her breasts) hang halfway out of her dress would be big f-ing news and we wouldn't need to say another word about our favorite poptart. But today isn't just any day. It's the day of all hope and glory and regained wanking possibilities. Britney lost an unsightly layer of blubber surrounding her once-worshiped physique, and she also lost that big pile of donkey shit she's been carting around and covering in diamonds for two years. So today we have two Britney stories. After the jump, sex tape, fake wedding, possible fake divorce. Oh holy day!

First up, the main event: Those lovable pervs over at Fleshbot have a nineteen-second clip of what could possibly be Britney Spears giving foreskin-complete Kevin Federline a knob job. Take your laptop into a secluded bathroom stall where your boss can't see you and watch it over and over and judge for yourself. Former child star gobbling a former backup dancer's gherkin, or someone getting paid a hundred bucks to do their best Britney impression? You decide.

Meanwhile we're hearing stories that Britney and Kevin's bond of sex and weed actually became legal weeks after we believed it to. According to TMZ:

Spears and Federline celebrated what many thought was their wedding day on Sept. 18th, 2004 at the Studio City home of wedding planner Alyson Fox. Roughly 25 close friends and family members reportedly attended, including Spears' mother and sister.

However, according to the divorce papers filed by Spears, her marriage to K-Fed didn't occur until Oct 6th -- nearly three weeks after the "secret" nuptials went down.

And it's possible that the divorce is fake too. A source supposedly close to Britney told Dlisted:

Don’t believe the Britney divorce. I’m sort of in with her circle of friends and I know for a fact she’s not going to leave him. She’s just doing this to scare him and gain some sympathy votes from the media. She went on Letterman, cause Kevin thought she was at the hotel crying over him. She is using the divorce to scare him. They are already talking to each other and texting all the time on their mobiles. She always threatened divorce on him and he never believed her. She’s hoping he will change his ways. I think she also knows that this can change her image and is using it. They will get back together. Shit, I wouldn’t be surprised if they are already back together.

But if Life & Style is to be believed (which they usually aren't) it was a race to the courthouse. Popsugar brings us the story:

As early as last May, Kevin, 28, began secretly meeting with his lawyer, Mark Kaplan, to work out a settlement deal with Britney, 24. Kevin was prepared to use their son, Sean Preston, now 1, as leverage: If Britney didn’t give Kevin $10 million, plus their $10 million Malibu mansion, he would sue her for custody, claims an insider. “Kevin knows that Sean is Britney’s Achilles’ heel,” an insider says.

And if Kevin's overwhelming love for his children Britney's money isn't enough, there's Kevin babbling about his wonderful and supportive wife and missing his kids before getting a text message that may have informed him of the fate of his gravy-train marriage and Britney having a grand old time ice skating with her former manager. We were going to make a joke after we got all that in, but frankly we are exhausted. So we're just going to go do some research. Which naturally means watching that nineteen-second blowjob about four hundred more times. To discern its authenticity, or course. Gawd, we're not perverts or anything.

If you still need more Britney, you can find her at MrSkin.com.