In the biggest baby-endangering shocker since Solange Knowles was accused of bleaching her clubfooted baby, Anna Nicole Smith has allegedly dyed her newborn daughter's hair to make her look more like creepazoid Nightline-investigation-waiting-to-happen Howard K. Stern. Perhaps an easier route to confirming paternity would have been to tattoo "I'm a jagbag and I'll steal all your money" on the child's forehead.

USA Today isn't usually our kind of newspaper, seeing as how we're not forty-five, three hundred pounds, and constantly trolling You Tube for videos of Democrats getting kicked in the nuts. But, hey, they've got the story, so what can we do? They say:

An attorney thinks TV reality star Anna Nicole Smith, who usually sports platinum blonde hair, may have dyed her infant daughter's locks to make it appear the father is Smith's companion, Howard K. Stern.

Smith's ex-boyfriend Larry Birkhead, who claims he is the father, saw the child with dark hair in leaked snippets of an Entertainment Tonight interview of Smith, his attorney Debra Opri said Monday.

"It's horrendous," Opri said. "We are calling our experts right now to see if dyeing an infant's hair is any way toxic or harmful to a child."

You know what's toxic and harmful to a child? Having Anna Nicole Smith as a mother. But hopefully Dannielynn possesses a genetics-defying intellect and has already learned to change her own diapers. Otherwise that might not be hair dye that we're seeing.

Also, Anna Nicole has been hospitalized with pneumonia. We're just going to assume that "pneumonia" is Bahamian for "chlamydia." Thanks, Howard K.!

Check out Anna Nicole's own dying practices at MrSkin.com.