You may think that Britney Spears looks like one of Rover's especially big turds that's been run over by your neighbor's Suburban and warmed in the afternoon sun, but Kevin Federline thinks she's as sexy as two lesbians in a hot tub full of whipped cream. And if he has to cover all the mirrors in the house with life-size pictures of Angelina Jolie to make Brit believe she's still got it, then he's gonna do it.

Apparently Kevin is really insecure and worries that if other men find Britney desirable she'll leave him and he'll be heartbroken. Wait, that doesn't sound right. According to The Scoop:

Kevin Federline knows all about Britney Spears’ history with hunky back-up dancers: K-Fed reportedly is forbidding his wife from using male dancers in her new video.

Spears hired Matt Felker, one of the sexy guys from her “Toxic” video, to appear in her new video, according to In Touch Weekly, which reports that her hubby “insisted that Britney fire Matt and all of the other male dancers she’d hired and replace them with females.”

Federline — who was, of course, once a back-up dancer for Spears — is said to be “surprisingly insecure and secretly terrified” that Spears will dump him if her career takes off again.

“Kevin doesn’t want Britney to be making sexy moves again,” an “insider” told ITW. “He’s even telling her she doesn’t need to lose all of her pregnancy weight.”

We're going to construe this in a different manner. We think that Kevin secretly likes fat chicks, and when he met Britney he glimpsed her inner potential to balloon upwards of four hundred pounds. During their courting he did his part to convince her that Twinkie and Cheez Whiz sandwiches were a healthy alternative to spinach salads and that sex could totally replace all those hours on the elliptical. Then once they married Kevin's master plan took effect: If Britney popped out a kid about once every calendar year, she'd never have the time or the energy to work off the pregnancy pounds. All those weekends partying with strippers were just a diversion to hide his secret chubby-chasing shame.

Pre-Kevin Britney is at MrSkin.com.