According to most reports, Anna Nicole Smith married her slippery, slippery lawyer/self-proclaimed impregnator Howard K. Stern in the Bahamas yesterday, resplendent in a pink bikini. However, today her publicist released a colorful statement in which she asserts that the curious pair did not, in fact, marry; they simply had a "commitment ceremony". Sadly, this was not what we had in mind when we suggested that Anna and Howard needed to be committed.

Yesterday, Star magazine online broke the news that ANS and HKS tied the knot aboard a boat sailing off the coast of Nassau. They quoted an eyewitness who described the scene:

"There was heavy security around the yacht, plus extra speedboats to deliver more supplies as needed (including unlimited Dom Perignon champagne) from the mainland to the catamaran . . . and Anna was wearing a pink bikini!"

Far be it from us to tell people how they should mourn, but maybe some chamomile tea and a nice black one-piece would have been more appropriate. No biggie, though, because according to Anna's publicist, the happy couple are not officially married--they were simply celebrating their intense spiritual love before the eyes of God. Bust out your hanky and get ready to clutch the pearls, because the following statement via etonline.com will stir your soul:

Anna Nicole and Howard "escaped their house" at three o'clock this morning, according to their press release, "and boarded a boat to quietly sail the ocean around Nassau ... on a clandestine sail to recapture simple pleasures -- fresh salt air on the face, a sunrise on the ocean, and wind in their hair. And then a good thing happened: during the sail, Anna Nicole Smith and Howard K. Stern made a commitment before God to be there for one another, to be each other's strength during this difficult time.

"By mid-morning, helicopters flew overhead, speed boats approached, and camera-equipped scuba divers invaded what had been an otherwise perfect moment of peace, solitude, and hope," continues the statement. "The event was intended to be totally private between two adults deeply in love with each other and needing simple reassurances that they could count on one another through life's ups and downs. The outing was never expected to be shared with anyone other than Howard, Anna, [her newborn daughter] DANNIELYNN HOPE and a few close friends and family."

Sweet fancy Moses on buttered toast! What prose! Never did we think that a publicist's statment would amuse us as much as Leslie Sloane-Zelnick's expletive-peppered, one-sentence missives, but this flowery announcement has reduced us to weeping blubberbags. We only pray Britney is taking notes and will issue highly descriptive press releases involving the sentence "Kevin and I stared deeply into each other's eyes as we lovingly tended to our heir's ill-aimed umber mounds" to describe potty-training Sean P.

There's lots of naked ANS at MrSkin.com.