It's been a long, hard almost five months since little Suri No Middle Name Cruise donned sunglasses and BVDs and sock-slid out of Katie Holmes's rent-a-womb to the strains of "Old Time Rock and Roll". It's been speculated that she's actually Chris Klein's baby, that Katie was never pregnant and wore a prosthetic baby belly, that Suri was hideously deformed. Well, to all the naysayers: Tom and Katie have finally ponied up that enigmatic baby for all to see:





Surprise #1: she's adorable. Surprise #2: she does look quite a bit like Katie. But before you start with your "That baby looks Asian! That baby looks way older than four and a half months! Boy, that line of Marie Osmond porcelain dolls sure is lifelike!", read our conspiracy theory under the cut. We feel it makes much more sense.

We have reason to believe that the Alpha Clear in charge of implantation at the Scientology Center's celebrity seed bank might be out of a job today. Fig. 1 is Suri Cruise:



While Fig. 2 is little Ella Travolta:



And somewhere in a mansion in the Hollywood Hills, there is a maniacally grinning and curiously short zygote jumping up and down on the pillowy couch of Kelly Preston's uterus. Whoops.


UPDATE: Gawker has put up this unsettling image of Suri that they claim is an original, unretouched photo that did not appear in the Vanity Fair spread:



Unretouched photo, maybe. "Touched" baby, definitely.

UPDATE #2: the above photo is apparently a Photoshopped parody. Whew! Guess we're the touched ones.


Katie Holmes will forever be single and naked at MrSkin.com.

And spy Tommy in his more innocent days at MaleStars.com.