You know how everybody (everbody = "the internet") is agape and adrool over Natalie Portman finally appearing completely naked in a movie? We regret having to inform you that it's all smoke and mirrors, and you will not be ogling her handsomest pieces. This kind of teasing is like being stroked with a jasmine-scented mink glove, then promptly stabbed in the boner with an icicle.

E-dorks, systems already weakened with sadness after hearing the news of Syd Barrett's death, will undoubtedly be impaling themselves on their tinfoil D&D swords after hearing that Natalie will NOT be naked in the upcoming Goya's Ghost. Delicious and nutrious Egotastic! reports that last night, Ms. Portman's agent appeared on Access Hollywood to dash everyone's hopes, saying that while the scene does involve Natalie being strapped to a catherine wheel and tortured, the unclothed bits are the work of a dastardly body double.

Situations like this crop up occasionally, and the philosophical question is posed: what's more shameful, lusting after Natalie Portman's real but thong-clad cheeks in Closer, or lusting after a butt that appears to be Natalie Portman's but is actually, in reality, attached to a telemarketer from Burbank? The answer, actually, is lusting after a prepubescent Natalie Portman in The Professional. Lord, how you make us puke.

More teasing, provoking, and needling from Natalie at MrSkin.com.