After their marriage, Nicole Kidman and her new husband, crooning outback troubadour Keith Urban, jetted to a remote, staggeringly expensive, extremely private resort on the island of Bora Bora. Picture it: You're arguably the world's most famous actress, you've just pulled of a smooth wedding, you're heading to a tropical locale away from the prying eyes of the public, you've hired a team of jet-skiing bodyguards to patrol the area, and you're met with . . . the infamous Eva Longoria, staying mere steps from your private cabin, banging gongs and knocking on your door asking to borrow a cup of sugar and offering you marital aids from her vast private stash.

We admit we've actually considered jetting to a remote island to get away from Eva Longoria and her mouth for a while, so we can completely feel Nicole and Keith's pain. The newlyweds arrived in Tahiti on Monday, checked in, and saw that old Verbal Diarrhea was bunking in the villa next door with her child lover, Tony Parker. Eva and Tony's plane touched down "minutes" after Nicole and Keith's did. It's chilling to think of poor Nicole, cuddled up next to her new husband in bed, stirring in the middle of the night. She thinks, "Something's not right" and removes her silken, lavendar-and-rose-petal-scented sleep mask to see Eva Longoria at the foot of her bed, eyes wild and rabid, foam pouring from her mouth, waving a dildo and screaming, "BONERS BONERS BONERS BONERS BONERS!!!"


The bride, sans wedding dress, at MrSkin.com!


Eva's there, too.