When Jessica Alba was a mere teenager she was incessantly poked with big, long penises. Big, long . . . dolphin penises?

You may not remember this (unless you're a dirty old perv who habitually trolls the Pax network for fifteen-year-old girls, which, now that we mention it, is entirely plausible), but early in her career Jessica Alba starred in the television series The New Adventures of Flipper. This role required her to spend hours upon hours in a pool with dolphins--horny dolphins. She recalls:

I don't know if anybody knows this but dolphins get excited, even when you are a human being -- and they have long, long ... (penises).

I didn't know this until I was being poked by a few of them, which was very rude. I think I learned my lesson. I sort of request female dolphins after that because those are horny little bastards.

Personally we don't think this anecdote unequivocally proves that male dolphins are horny bastards, but rather that Jessica Alba is so otherworldly beautiful that her hotness shatters boundaries such as species lines. We've known a few dolphins in our time--mostly thanks to our tenure as head marine biologist in charge of dolphin penii at the San Diego Sea World--and we haven't found them to be any more horny than, say, Charlie Sheen. If anything, those dolphins were pretty frigid. I mean, filing a sexual harassment charge against your handler, the person who feeds you, that doesn't seem to be the action of a horny creature.

You'll get a dolphin in your pants when you see Jessica at MrSkin.com.