Old people are funny. Half the time they think it's somewhere around 1922 and insist on digging holes under the floorboards to hide the hooch in. And if the old person in question happens to be the grandmother of walking tub of Crisco Brandon Davis, she thinks that calling someone "firecrotch" in front of a moving-picture camera amounts to an engagement announcement.

First of all this happened at Kenny G's birthday party, so commence quietly sniggering to yourself. Barbara Davis, Brandon's batshit rich bitch meemaw, was overheard saying, "Brandon is dating Lindsay now!" And according to Page Six:

A rep for Barbara agreed, telling Page Six that Brandon took Lohan out to dinner last weekend.

This strikes us as highly suspect. While Lindsay has been known to have less than alpine standards (we're looking at you, Bruce Willis), she has at least required her paramours to shower on a semi-regular basis (with the possible exception of Jared Leto, but he's a rock star, man, he stays dirty for his art). So we were relieved to read the next bit of wisdom bestowed upon us by Page Six:

But chief Lohan-dler Leslie Sloane responds that Davis has gone daffy: "It is unfortunate that Barbara Davis is desperate enough to make up a lie about Lindsay dating her grandson.

"Lindsay took the high road and accepted Brandon's apology last week, but they are not dating and they did not go to dinner together. Lindsay is dating several men who live overseas."

Ho ho! That'll show 'em! Lindsay can't possibly be dating a Stateside oil heir if several men overseas have their fingers in her plum pudding.

(And "Lohan-dler," Page Six? Stop trying to crack jokes and stick to drunk driving and accepting bribes from Sopranos cast members and desperate socialites.)

Firecrotch herself at MrSkin.com.