Some days it feels like trying to keep up with who's getting a taste of Lindsay Lohan's lady business is a full-time job. We hear that over at Lindsay's image-control and coke-denial headquarters they had to hire on half a dozen interns just to track her vagina's whereabouts. The last we had heard Lindsay was getting her drainpipe serviced by Brett Ratner. But that was before she found out he had a girlfriend. And found them in bed together. And participated in her second catfight over the director of multiple Jackie Chan movies. Lindz, sweetie, you're better than this. Pick yourself up, put on a fresh pair of panties, and find yourself a nice, good-looking chap your own age who will buy you pretty things and tell you every day how beautiful you are. Maybe that Topher Grace, or the guy from Smallville. Now doesn't that sound better than thinking "I'm only two years older than his daughter" as Bruce Willis spanks you?

We've already used too many words this morning, so we'll leave the rest to Page Six.

"X-MEN: The Last Stand" director Brett Ratner never bothered to tell his "friend" Lindsay Lohan that he had a girlfriend - resulting in a loud, messy fight between the young star and Romanian IMG model Alina Puscau at Ratner's home last week.

Late Monday night, Lohan - who has become close friends with the director in the past month - and a pal decided to pop in on Ratner unannounced.

"Brett wasn't returning any of her calls, so she decided to stop by and say hi," a source told Page Six.

"Brett never told Lindsay he had a girlfriend. She had no idea," the source said. "He is constantly e-mailing, texting and calling her. She just wanted to hang out. He had given her the code to his house and told her to come over anytime, so she went."

But once at the house, Lohan was shocked when she found Ratner in bed with his girlfriend, Puscau.

"Alina jumped out of bed and went ballistic," another source said. "They started screaming at each other and took the fight first into the living room and then out to the driveway while Brett hid in the bedroom.

"Lindsay said she could get Alina deported and left. What she doesn't know is that Alina and Brett are so serious, he gave her a big diamond promise ring last November which she wears on her right hand. She doesn't care that he may cheat. She's got the big diamond ring."

The source added: "Brett is a 37-year-old man, and Lindsay is a 19-year-old girl. Enough! He needs to stop bothering her, it's embarrassing. Lindsay is happily dating [Keira Knightley's ex] Jamie Dornan - she just wanted to be friends with Brett."

We knew that Lindsay had the power to change the size and shape of her breasts at will and the power to reduce men twice her age to walking boners, but the power of deportation? Now that's impressive.

More of Lindsay's powers at MrSkin.com.