If one is looking to reconcile with his wife, there are many things one can say to her. Like, "Honey, I love you. Let's work things out, for the sake of our children." Or, perhaps the doghoused man could take a page from the lyric book of soft pop hitmaker of yore Dan Hill: "Can't we try just a little bit harder? Can't we give just a little bit more?" It's also helpful to use a gentle tone and toss out a few compliments; "beautiful angel from heaven", "sweetie", and "goddess of wifely love" are good ones to try. Charlie Sheen is a different mammal, though. Apparently, he thinks the way to win back his expecting wife is to call her "piece of shit fucking liar", "pregnant cunt", "fucking creep", and, even more bafflingly, "dick face".

These voice mails that Charlie Sheen left on Denise Richards's machine almost exactly one year ago, when she was pregnant with their second child, function either as a standalone work or a nice companion piece to Denise's weighty 17-page deposition, Xanax, Bookies, and Gay Teen Porn. A sampling:



Eh, a little harsh, sure. But, you know, not creepier than any other voice mails a dude leaves his estranged wife, probably. However, there's this:



And, finally:



Proving, once and for all, that when one is in the throes of cocaine psychosis coupled with anger brought on by that fucking good-for-nothing mare Dazzling Glory losing the fifth race at the track, the best course of action is to revert to fourth-grade taunts and wildly inappropriate/incorrect racial slurs. And please, take note of the fact that save for the last message, all of these voice mails were left within a thirteen-hour period.

Now, we sit and wait for the actual tapes to appear on the computerweb for our listening pleasure. Sure, they're no "I want to go fuckin' crazy with you," but hearing Rick 'Wild Thing' Vaughn from Major League calling his pregnant wife "dick face" in crystal clear AIFF form might just be the highlight of our spring.

Denise, sans clothes, at MrSkin.com.

And Chaz is at MaleStars.com.