Last Friday morning, Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen were just another Hollywood couple dissolving their marriage, sorting out their assets, and figuring out custody arrangements. No big whoop. Today, Denise is a woman who has taken out a restraining order on her estranged husband and accused him of boffing hookers, gambling while she was giving birth, and looking at pornography that might just be pedophilic and/or gay in nature. Ah, what a difference a weekend makes.

Court documents obtained by thesmokinggun.com are detailed, dense, and read like a detective magazine from the 1940s. Only with underaged internet porn. Forget Gatsby, this, truly, is the great American novel! Sifting through Denise's riveting first-person narrative is a little difficult on a Monday morning, so we'll let TMZ.com weed out the greatest hits:

Richards says in her declaration that during their reconciliation last September, she discovered Sheen was visiting websites with "very young girls, who looked underage to me, with pigtails, braces, no pubic hair, performing oral sex with each other."

Richards also claims in her 17-page declaration that Sheen accessed other websites "…involving gay pornography also involving very young men who also did not look like adults."

Richards, who sought a restraining order, claims that Sheen told her after she allegedly discovered the websites, "I hope you f-king die, bitch."

On Friday, Denise took out a restraining order requiring Chuckles to "stay at least 300 feet from Richards, her home, her car and their two daughters except during supervised visits with the kids", according to People magazine. We wish we could take out a restraining order requiring him to stay at least 300 feet from all movie sets. Ho ho! Get it? Cuz his movies suck.

Sheen issued a rebuttal statement on Friday, saying that his wife's allegations were

"a most obvious immature and transparent smear campaign designed to hurt, embarrass and ultimately extort me . . . I deeply regret (that) her response to my request for the court to decide what’s best for our children has taken the form of baseless allegations that I deny. For the sake of my children, I am electing not to reciprocate in kind.”

We feel like supreme a-wipes for thinking this but, um, Denise? You married Charlie Sheen. What did you expect might happen? Hey, we've all made mistakes, you know? For example, years ago, we were briefly married to Robert Evans. But we didn't expect to turn him into a bridge-playing, church-going family man. We expected some laughs, an ocean of tears, some high-grade cocaine, and a tropical tan. You just gotta know what you're in for, sweetie.

UPDATE: Denise is allegedly hooking up with Richie Sambora, who is not only a man who pairs a burnt sienna Mystic Tan with a flippy soccer mom 'do, but is the estranged husband of her very dearest friend, Heather Locklear. Denise wants him, Dead or Alive. She's going to Lay her Hands on him. A taboo romance like this might Give Love a Bad Name, but once Denise and Richie get Wild in the Streets, they'll Never Say Goodbye. Unless one of them gets a Social Disease.

UPDATE #2: Good gravy!

Denise, sans clothes, at MrSkin.com.

And Chaz is at MaleStars.com.