We're used to talking about Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworth. We make jokes about his eunuchosity and her absolute lack of body fat. They break up for a week so he can go on a starlet-humping spree and she can consume her yearly intake of four lima beans, a head of iceberg lettuce, and one asparagus spear (her movements are slow due to lack of nutritive energy, so Orlando can usually fit in a Kirsten, a Sienna, and a few elfin LotR extras in the time it takes her to masticate). But today we're in totally foreign territory. Orlando almost killed a man. And not even a famous one. How exactly does one find humor in such a situation? Well, lucky for us Orlando's ego has reached Scientological proportions and he thinks that his autograph is payment enough for nearly causing a man's violent and bloody death.

While driving on Monday (would it be presumptuous of us to say that he was on his way to pick up Eva Longoria and Bono for the 23rd Annual Douchebag Convention at the Ramada?), Orlando pulled out in front of a man on a scooter. The victim said:

It's only good luck that I'm here to tell the tale. He can't have looked in his mirrors. I flew off and hit the ground hard, rolling three times. If there'd been a car coming the other way, I'd be dead.

In most cases the person responsible for a crash that causes "deep cuts and internal bleeding" would stick around, maybe tell his side of the story, and follow the ambulance to the hospital to alleviate his severe feeling of guilt. And if that person routinely got paid large sums of money to look effete and non-threatening on screen, he might even offer to pay the wounded man's medical bills. Not Orlando; he was in a hurry (he was receiving the coveted Douchebag of the Year award at the Ramada, after all). Instead Orlando scrawled a note that said "Sorry mate!" with his signature and fled. The victim must have been placated, as he said, "He did ring to check I was all right." Aw, how kind. We wonder how many of these notes Orlando has strewn around town. To Kate Bosworth after he was sick of her complaining about that burning sensation: "I gave you herpes. Sorry mate!" To Johnny Depp on the set of Pirates of the Caribbean: "I buggered you up your bum while you slept. Sorry mate!" With that accent and those lambent eyes and flowing locks, he can get away with anything.