No, the little fucker has not popped out yet. Or completed it's scientist-monitored gestation period in a man-made womb-like environment. Whatever. The bottom line is the apocalypse has not yet arrived. You have at least one more day as a free earthling before our new infant overlord takes control of your mind. So go have sex and eat some cheesecake. Or pop a couple Prozac while you still can.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes recently sat down for an in-depth interview with Parade magazine (They do interviews? We thought they just ran ads for polyester culottes and pictures of fluffy puppies to entertain our grandma). Tom talked about his abusive father, but that doesn't really interest us. What interests us is Katie. In our experience pregnant women are loud and demanding and opinionated (Or, at least, that's how they look on TV. We don't actually know any women, let alone pregnant ones), yet Katie has done little more than smile and praise L. Ron since her insemination. Not that her wonky eyes had the greatest range of expression before, but still, it's creepy. According to Parade,

Holmes . . . wore a large diamond engagement ring. She seemed dazed, passive and vacant. She never stopped smiling.

Meanwhile Tom was

hooting how beautiful she was, touching and kissing her like a teenage boy on his first backseat date, aware that he was being watched.

Yet despite this odd behavior Tom wants us to believe that Katie has achieved this catatonic state through the power of his love and the joy of having contact with his manly, vagina-loving penis, and not through the ingestion of massive amounts of sedatives. We think that those Scientology "vitamins" must fill Katie's head with thoughts of bunny rabbits in tutus riding magic, rainbow-striped unicorns through fields of gold and lollipops, then about every four minutes they send a signal to her brain to turn her head and open her mouth for the camera-witnessed insertion of Cruise's tongue.

And for further discussion of what the hell resides under Katie's shirt, turn to Defamer and A Socialite's Life.

Now that you've seen her baby bump, check out Katie's lady lumps at MrSkin.com.


And then see Tom at MaleStars.com.