Listen, we're not going to beat around the bush. This story, right here, is rough. Real rough. The Pat O'Brien sex tape story was a tra-la-la cakewalk in a park full of lilacs in bloom compared to this. If you are strong of stomach and have a steely resolve, then by all means, strap on your gas mask, slither into a full-body Trojan, and click "more", if you'd like to read about Kevin Costner, his penis, and a masseuse.

The UK's Mirror is slowly dethroning FemaleFirst.com as our gossip sensei, and the other week, they relayed the bone-chilling tale of an unnamed "A-list actor" who, while vacationing at a hotel in Scotland, enjoyed a massage. Really, really enjoyed a massage.

"The masseuse, 34, told an industrial tribunal she felt 'abused' by the actor's actions. She said: 'It was disgusting and, even though he was a Hollywood superstar, I couldn't believe he thought he could get away with something like that. He abused me and I considered that a criminal act.'

The woman told the Dundee tribunal she had given the actor a massage the day before during which he had touched her back.

She said: 'The next day he came back and asked how I was. He asked if he made me uncomfortable by touching me, but I said no, I was a professional and you have to learn to deal with difficult clients. I asked him how he liked his massage and he said he liked it sweet. I thought it a strange term to describe a massage. He asked me if I was comfortable touching him everywhere and I said no. Throughout the massage, he kept putting his hand underneath his towel but he never kept it there long enough for me to suspect anything. Then I moved to the top of his body to massage his head.'

She told the tribunal the actor grabbed her wrist forcefully, whipped off his towel, exposed himself and performed the sex act.

The woman said she left the room but a colleague went inside and saw what had happened."

After finishing up your dry heaves and wiping your mouth on the back of your hand, you are almost certainly asking yourself, "So. How do you know that the jerker in question is Costner?" Rush and Molloy, friends. Rush and Molloy. Apparently, Costner's people have released a statement after several blogs fingered Costner (ew) as the perp. Says his spokesman:

"We find it unfortunate that Mr. Costner's name has been brought into what is essentially a dispute between a company owned by a good friend of his and a former employee — and that it would tarnish what was a wonderful time spent at this resort with his wife."

A friend of Costner contended, "He's being set up. I think this woman's lawyer is using his name to put pressure on his friend to settle."

That's it. They're all out to get him. They're all out to get him, and those barrels of Waterworld residuals.

See Pics of Kevin are at MaleStars.com . . . if you DARE!!!