Would you be shocked to find out that Jennifer Aniston isn't a woman who has conquered the world with nothing but God-given talent, a humane spirit, and the desire to treat the world's people kindly? Then read on and be prepared to have your world view challenged.

We've all had some shitty roommates, those people who open up your Tupperware and mix just a little bit of Fancy Feast in with your tuna casserole. But not all of us wait until that person is super famous and Star magazine has paid off her housekeeper to disconnect the oven for fear that the next time she slips in a tray of Tollhouses she might follow it with her head and then tell the world how bitchy she was in the days of Aquanet and Hypercolor. The New York Daily News reports on a recent spoken-word performance by Jennifer Aniston's former roommate, Nancy Balbirer, celebrating the paperback release of "The Underminer: Or, the Best Friend Who Casually Destroys Your Life":

"The 40-year-old Balbirer was among the performers who told stories of their own personal 'underminers.' Balbirer's 'underminer' was 'a famous sitcom actress' called 'Jane' — a thinly veiled Aniston — who she met when both were auditioning to be extras on 'Saturday Night Live.'

A Lowdown spy reports: 'Jane, who had recently graduated from the High School of Performing Arts, was a few years younger than Nancy and was the daughter of a soap actor and a plastic-surgery victim who had divorced. Nancy let Jane live rent-free in her Village apartment for a few months.

'Nancy said Jane, who was then working at a burger joint, was obsessed with her looks, and would give herself bikini waxes while lying upside-down on the couch. The pair went on auditions, on diets, and to aerobics classes together. Jane advised Nancy to try and be 'more fuckable' on auditions, and to buy chicken cutlets at the Food Emporium to stuff her bra. Jane iced her nipples before auditions, and lamented her big butt and her nose, which she said "came from her Greek half."

'Jane moved to Los Angeles, got liposuction, a nose job and a hairline adjustment, and lost a lot of weight after going on Nutri­Slim. Nancy recounted a trip to L.A. where she asked to stay with her old friend, but instead Jane named some hotels, telling Nancy not to be so desperate, because it's unattractive, especially in a town like L.A.'"

Most of this comes as no surprise to us. We're sure that somewhere out there some man is just discovering his deep-buried ultimate masturbatory fantasy is Jennifer Aniston with chicken cutlets smashed up against her boobs while performing an inverted bikini wax on the couch. Enjoy, you sicko!

(And what the fuck is "a hairline adjustment" anyway? She couldn't possibly have wanted to elongate her face. Did she have her hairline moved forward? Is it possible that long ago Jen was even more horse-faced than she is now? Maybe when we think back to the '80s and remember Sarah Jessica Parker being in about eight movies a year, we're just confused. Maybe half of those roles were actually pre-hairline-adjustment Aniston.)

Get a load of old chicken boobs at MrSkin.com.