You know all those kids' soccer games Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes attend where they make out on the sidelines in full view of paparazzi instead of watching Tom's kids run around the field and try to score goals? That's probably about all the time Tom spends with his tiny little press releases, but he's not about to let you find out the truth.

While promoting her new book, former celebrity nanny Suzanne Hansen talked to Page Six about Tom Cruise's parenting skills without disclosing whether or not she actually nannied for him.

"Tom would make his nannies sign confidentiality agreements that were so strict, they couldn't even say for whom they were working. So basically, if [Cruise] went on camera and said how he didn't have any help raising his children, they couldn't say anything."

And what of Tom's ice-queen erstwhile wife, Nicole Kidman? "I never saw her," Hansen said. Can it be that Tom Cruise spends about as much time with his adopted children as Nicole Richie spends with food, yet he wants us to believe that he picks out their outfits and cooks them organic macaroni with imported French cheese and tucks them in every night? Are you suggesting that this honest and upstanding man would deceive us? Shame on you! Embrace your Tom love and let your trust grow.

And perhaps you're thinking that Tom will be more likely to have hands-on involvement with his soon-to-be-released offspring project, as it sprung from his virile, vagina-loving loins. Check out Pink Is the New Blog's handy assessment of Katie Holmes's ever-changing baby bump. We think the poor thing got wind of who its parents were going to be and slit its wrists in the womb and has been shrinking and decomposing since mid-November. That can't smell pretty.

You know you want your Tommy. He's at MaleStars.com.


Or if you lean the other way, Katie's at MrSkin.com.