Holy shit! Lindsay Lohan died???

No, no, no, no, Lindsay is alive and well and enjoying life and the living of it, as evidenced by this week's blow-fueled, Sharpie-wielding, stripper pole-grinding/girl-girl makeouting New York blitz with new pet supermodel in tow, shitty bronchial passages be damned! But Lindsay's dad Michael, who's chilling in the poky, was horrified to learn of his daughter's condition and hospitalization. Seems that her asthma may be a more serious problem than that myopic geek with the inhaler you knew in third grade. From the joint, Michael Lohan says:

"Asthma has been a serious problem for her since she was three. She almost died from it when she was five, and one of her cousins died from it at 27."

Despite such a dire family history, his daughter still enjoys puffing cigs, in addition to other substances that may or may not tickle Lindsay's nasal passageway. Lohan the Elder continues,

"I'm very concerned for Lindsay. I'm hearing all these rumours about her partying too much."

The dude's in jail. Where is he hearing these rumors? Did a new inmate named Big Tiny get hauled in to the pen on armed robbery charges and tell him, "OMG! Mike! I was at MisShapes last week and I totes saw your little girl there with DiCaprio and she was hitting the vodka gimlets pretty hard!"?

As always, Lindsay's nude review is at MrSkin.com.