We saw Britney & Kevin: Chaotic; we know that somewhere, hidden beneath baby Sean's jars of pureed Cheetos and fried chicken, there is a sex tape. And finally we have discerned the advantage in not being on the Us Weekly payroll (other than not getting the shit beaten out of us by Cameron Diaz, of course): When we talk about a probable Brit and Kev sex tape, only a couple of skeevy old pervs pay attention. When Us Weekly talks about it, they get sued.

Back in October we heard rumblings of a Federlinian home movie of the sexual variety, and so did Us Weekly, who ran a story titled "Brit & Kev: Secret Sex Tape? New parents have a new worry: racy footage from 2004." It seems that Britney has been spending a lot of time catching up on two-month-old magazines at her doctor's office and thinks that tiny little story is worth $10 million. That really makes us feel like a cheap whore, since we accepted a case of Milwaukee's Best and a family-size bag of pork rinds when Ass Bangers Monthly leaked the news of our sex tape. Britney's just that much classier than we are. The lawsuit claims that the story was an "outrageous fabrication." Britney's lawyer, Marty Singer, told TMZ.com, "Britney has finally decided to take a stand to put a stop to people fabricating these malicious lies about her." We're guessing her line of thinking went something more like this: "Kevin spent $4000 on a ruby-studded bong and he doesn't even have a job. If he keeps it up, Sean's gonna have to trade in his Osh Kosh for an outfit sewn out of the wrappers from empty bottles of Mickey's. How can I get a big wad of cash without having to lose twenty pounds and brush my hair?" At which point one of the magical fairies known as lawyers appeared at her side rubbing his hands together maniacally and muttering over and over, "Ten percent. Ten percent."

Britney's millions at MrSkin.com.