Jessica Simpson officially filed for divorce on Friday afternoon. The dream is over . . . blah, blah, blah . . . shattered illusions . . . yada, yada, yada . . . never believe in love again. Really all we care about is how fast Jess can go from sham-happy married lady to hoovering lines off Paris Hilton's ass while dancing on a table in her underwear at Privilege. We're guessing pretty damn fast.

Jessica went with the classic "irreconcilable differences" as a reason for booting hubby Nick Lachey into the D-list wasteland. We didn't really think that "Johnny Knoxville's elephant dick" or "I'm way too hot to waste my time on this third-tier Lance Bass (P.S. He's a lousy lay)" would ever make it to paper, but that didn't stop us from fantasizing about it. A supposed "pal" of Jessica's told Us Weekly, ''Jessica wanted to file so she can move on with her life. This marks the next stage of her life.'' We salute your bravery, Jessica. Here's to hoping that "next stage" includes copious amounts of nudity and a starring role as Daisy Dick-Licker in The Dicks of Hazzard.

And while Jessica was busy getting her ass to the courthouse, Nick was trying to secure a little cash. Page Six reports that A.J. DiScala--former husband of Meadow Soprano--is brokering a deal with OK! magazine for Nick to tell his side of the divorce story for $300,000. They also report that Lachey and DiScala are teaming up as "investors in the skeevy new club Pacha where scantily clad women writhe in a shower." We don't understand what's so "skeevy" about that, but the judge in our peeping tom case seems to agree with Page Six. At this point we're just proud of Nick for being able to make a few bucks through an avenue that doesn't include wearing an apron and asking if we'd like fries with that.

Jessica's Daisy Dukes at MrSkin.com.