If you happen to find yourself a mile away from Jennifer Aniston's home, do not break out the very strong and sensitive telephoto lens. And if you do take out the lens, do not use it to spy on Jen changing shirts in the privacy of her own home. And if you do spy her nips, do not snap pictures. But if by chance you do take a few photos, please do not develop them. But if you happen to accidentally develop them, do not sell them to tabloids. Because if you sell them to tabloids, Jen will sue your ass. And set you on fire!

Snap a titty, go to jail! Jen and her team of well-paid lawyers sent a letter to various celebrity news publications (we didn't get one! WTF!) alleging that papparazzo Peter Brandt was shopping around photos he'd taken of the Friends star "in the act of taking off or putting on her top" (well, which is it?). Aniston's attorney, John H. Lavely Jr., says he'll slap a restraining order on anyone who sees fit to publish the snooby shots, and lest you think he's just joshing, beware: Jen won $550,000 in 2000 after the Pavarotti took photos of her sunbathing topless in her backyard. "Boy howdy," you are surely saying to yourself, "I sure would like to feast my eyeballs on those boobs, you betcha!" We ain't touching them with a ten-foot telephoto lens, but someone else is, so knock yourself out, bub.

In other Jen news, she was apparently going to give the dress she wore to her wedding to Brad Pitt to charity, but instead, she burned it. Yes. You heard us right. She burned it. According to Grazia magazine, Jennifer set the offending tulle mass alight in her backyard while chuckling and sipping champage with pals. Yes, instead of offering it up to most likely fetch many tens of thousands of dollars for cancer-ridden toddlers or kittens with AIDS, Jen dumped the staggeringly expensive Lawrence Steele designer gown, with all its tiny pearls and other sparkly geegaws, into a fire pit. She then set alight her entire collection of Manolo Blahnik shoes, blew up her BMW, firebombed her house, and torched a mountain of 100 dollar bills. Because she's Jennifer Aniston, and she's full of pain.

Jen and her Nuuuuude Review at MrSkin.com.