It's time for the Jolly Greek Giant to hide his Gold Cards in his spinach-leaf tunic and climb back up his beanstalk to his giant lair in sky, as it is being reported that Stamos Nachos and Paris Hilton have broken up. Paris has been seen wandering the streets of Las Vegas desperately searching for a replacement shipping heir in between vicious scratching and biting attacks from her pet monkey.

Paris and Stamos have had a rough week or two, starting with your average L.A. running-from-the-paparazzi-and-hitting-an-innocent-victim car crash. The fun continued when Stamos and his pals channeled Vince, Tommy, Nikki, and Mick at the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas and flooded four hotel rooms by triggering the sprinkler system (either by starting a fire or throwing a couch at one of the things). Was Paris in on any of this rock 'n' roll debauchery and pillow fighting? No, she was off girl talking with Kelly Osbourne, probably giving her advice on how best to fashion a bulldog into a kicky hat. Yet Stamos still managed to blame the whole thing on Paris and use it as a reason to break up their Joanie and Chachi routine. A source told Star:

"They broke up Nov. 13. Stavros told Paris that things are out of control and he's through with the drama. He said to her, 'I need time to reflect. I should have been home today studying, instead I am here paying $100,000 worth of bills.'"

We're guessing that Paris isn't too heartbroken over the end of the affair, as she seemed none too pleased when she was overheard saying to Kelly, "I don't want [the hotel] to think I bring in people who do this." Because when hotel management hear the name Paris Hilton they usually just think of how much publicity they will get if she films her next sex tape on their premises. We're sure that within a week Paris will have bounced back and found herself a new beau, perhaps Coulier Fajitas.

Oh, and about that monkey. This morning as we took the first sip of our gingerbread latte and rubbed the belly of our personal Buddha, Femalefirst, we were greeted with the hands-down best headline in the history of journalism (yes, we said journalism): "Paris Hilton attacked by monkeys." We imagined Paris on an OK!-documented faux-humanitarian Indian safari, decked out in skin-tight khaki, entering the ruins of a time-ravaged temple or castle or whatever they have in India and being swarmed by a pack of hungry, teeth-baring monkeys looking for blood. But alas, their was only one monkey and the attack happened at the Agent Provocateur shop in Las Vegas. Paris was accompanied to the shop by her new accessory, a pet monkey called Baby Luv, who went berserk and started clawing Paris's face. But such an incident could not stop Paris from slutting it up, as she leashed the monkey to a cabinet and proceeded to spend $4000 on bras, panties, and a bullwhip. Maybe this incident will teach Paris not to trade in her pets when she gets bored; Tinkerbell never would have clawed Paris's face in public. But then we're sure Tinkerbell was also too much of a prude to take part in Paris's Tarzan-themed lingerie and bullwhip parties. Baby Luv is always ready to drop the loincloth.

Paris's other monkey at MrSkin.com.