Chris Klein is an enigma. The world knows him as a sensitive, fresh-faced, corn-fed, slightly dense atheletic type with dreamy eyes and dimples so deep they could serve as a bath for twittering bluebirds. But it turns out that persona is all a clever ruse disguising the real Chris Klein: a vile rogue, a diabolical mastermind who pees testosterone and casts aside ugmos and fatties alike while feasting on the flesh of underprivileged youth and clubbing sacks of motherless cocker spaniel puppies. When you hold that up against a megalomanical midget who believes in space aliens that live in volcanoes, Katie Holmes's once-puzzling romantic choice is now crystal clear.

The American Pie star with the gently retarded speaking voice who describes himself as an "alpha heterosexual" who only dates "8 to 10's" recently sat down for a chat with Elle magazine, and he's certain to charm the tits off its readership with the insights contained therein. When asked if there were any certain foods he prepared for dates, he said,

"I don't need food to impress, man. It's a flash of a smile and a nice conversation. And at the end of the day, she's cooking the food."

After horking an enormous phlegmwad into it, yes. The interviewer then asked about women who gain a few pounds. Klein states:

"I'm not tolerant of that at all. When a woman isn't feeling good about herself and you combine that with her period, eventually she'll ask you if you like her body. You have to say no."

We hear you, man. Fuckin' fatties and their fuckin' periods! But you know a type you can date who'll never have this problem? Men. OK, moving on to choosing potential mates, Klein describes finding a lady to hit on as a "predator and prey situation", and relates a very sad time in his life, when a woman called him an asshole:

"The time it really hurt was when a stranger said it. I was just trying to tell this chick to get lost. I try to treat all women with respect whether they're pretty or ugly. I want to be nice and be like, 'Wow, thanks for the attention. But get out of my face.'"

Does someone have a chalice at the ready? Because our hearts are bleeding pretty badly right now. Finally, after being asked if he follows former fiancée Katie Holmes's romance with Tom Cruise, he snapped, "No way. I've got fantasy football to play," and described their breakup thusly:

"[We] had an absolute ball, but we grew up."

Yeah, but see, it's been widely reported that Tom was the first to plant his flag in the fecund soil of Katie's chaste groinage. So you didn't absolutely ball anything, tiger.

If, after all that, you still want to look at suggestive Chris Klein pics, then you can do so at MaleStars.com.

And Katie never seemed so sweet and tragic at MrSkin.com.