John Travolta and Kelly Preston have received the joyous news of the incubation of a brand new Scientologist, and they've graciously offered up a bit of parental guidance for Tom and Katie: a totally silent birth! No epidurals, no talking, no music, and no expressions of pain from the birthing mother. Sounds great! We at CelebNewsWire always make it a point to follow any advice that the Travolta is willing to toss our way, which is why we all work hard on our hair, and why we're living in a plastic bubble.

Although Kelly Preston admits that in the final hours of squeezing out Ella, a particularly large-headed Travolta spawn, she screamed out for an epidural, she and her butt-chinned hubby are still urging Tom and Katie to adhere to the strict doctrines of Scientology and crap out the infant in complete silence. Maybe we're just glib, but we think doing such a thing is A. impossible, and B. insane in the membrane, so, uh, good luck with everything, Katie. Scientology founder/failed science fiction writer/kooky loony L. Ron Hubbard wrote in his book Dianetics: "Maintain silence in the presence of birth to save both the sanity of the mother and child and safeguard the home to which they will go. The maintaining of silence does not mean a volley of 'Sh's', for those make stammerers." How about a volley of "HOLY MOTHER OF FUCKING ASS, THIS SHIT SUCKS A DEAD MOOSE DICK, PLEASE GOD, STRIKE ME DEAD NOW"s? Because that's what our mom said while we were being born, and we turned out awesome.

There will be revered silence as you view Katie's kajoobies at MrSkin.com.