Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are no longer playing Ward and June. We get it. We’ve accepted it. Why can’t they? Just admit it, guys. Tell us some bullshit like, “We love each other, but we’re no longer in love with each other. We tried really, really hard, but we can’t make it work.” Then take the rings off and go screw the brains out of some hot young things. You’ll both feel alive and free for the first time in years.

Since the news of Nick and Jessica’s still unconfirmed split broke, we have seen many pictures of Jessica holding up her wedding ring for the cameras and bearing a smile that says, “Fuck you, assholes, I’m married. See? Now leave me alone so I can go bone another cast member of Jackass.” And speaking of members of Jackass, the Nick/Jessica split was confirmed by Bam Margera, but he’s proven himself to be completely full of shit in the past, so who knows what that’s worth. Since Nick and Jessica’s OK! documented Italian vacation, the couple has been living apart, with Nick partying in Vegas with his brother (and a bunch of very eager ladies), while Jessica has been living with her assistant. The two will even be spending their third wedding anniversary apart, as Jessica will be traveling in Africa for charity, and of course Nick can’t join her due to “work commitments.” Which we’re guessing means that he can’t leave his PBR and his plasma screen during football season. What we’re wondering is why they insist on continuing the sham. The Christians already hate Jessica and think she’s a dirty heathen tramp. We the gossip-loving people do not value the institute of marriage; we thrive on spectacle. And if getting divorced results in Jessica being cast as Kimberly in a movie version of Diff’rent Strokes and releasing a threeway sex tape with the kid from Everybody Hates Chris as Arnold and a lesser-known Wayans as Willis, then we’re all for it.

Jessica Simpson at MrSkin.com.