Herself the Elf sucking hard? Popples leaving you cold? Think Bratz are a bunch of noseless hobags? Thrill, if you will, to the huggable, poseable Federspears Bunch--Britney and Kevin dolls with real cornrows that you can brush and style, and special, scratch-n-sniff MagicReek™ feet!

Mother Britney has now reached new, Mariah Carey-like heights of megalomania, and not in an awesome way. She's reportedly commissioned Mattel to create tiny plastic versions of herself, Kevin Federline, and baby Sean Preston for people to dismember lovingly play with. That's right! Lowly worms like you and like us can construct elaborate playtime scenarios of our favorite w.t. pop pals: Britney raiding the fridge in a postpartum SnackWells fit, Kevin sans pants taking huge rips off a wee plastic bong, baby Sean lying in his crib, cursing his fate yet thanking God he was not born to TomKat. According to our gossip schoolmarm, FemaleFirst:

"Insiders claim Britney also wants doll versions of her mum Lynne, dad Jamie, older brother Bryan and younger sister Jamie-Lynn to be added to the collection. She is also hoping the Barbie-style range will also include a toy replica of her £3million Malibu mansion, her pink Hummer car and her £3million yacht. Even Britney's tiny dogs, Bit Bit, Lucky and Lacy, are set to have their own miniature doubles."

OK, first of all, Lucky is GONE, guys. None of this hoping and praying and wishing upon a star hoodoo is going to bring Lucky back. Second, pink Hummer? Pink Hummer? Why have we not heard of this before? And finally, Mattel, nobody's going to want a Bryan or a Jamie Spears doll, OK? If you feel the need to make a miniature representation of a child star's father, please, make it a Michael Lohan doll. At least then one can charge him up with his special Disco Dust Playset, push a button on his back, and unleash violent punching action with a shoe clutched in his tiny, plasticine hand.

Britney, in the flesh, at MrSkin.com.