• We're scared, and expecting Renée Zellweger to show up at our offices with a sack of nickels and a sawed-off shotgun any day now.


• In the real world, when a guy plies a girl with booze and coerces her to strip, it's called date rape. In Hollywood, when it happens to Sly Stallone and Sharon Stone, it's called movie magic!


• BarryMORE, braLESS.


• Paparazzi didn't cause Lindsay Lohan's Benz bust-up, illegal U-turns did. GodDAMN, girl's got some good spin doctors.


• Hey, don't look at us! We've been abiding by the strict "at least 500 yards away at all times" clause in that restraining order Freddie Prinze Jr. took out on us. Right, Freddie? Right? Heh heh. Heh . . . heh. Heh?


• Man. For a pointy-faced prepubescent weinerless elf, Orlando Bloom sure gets around town with the pretty ladies.


• Thank GOD a dangerous criminal mastermind like Kate Moss will soon be behind bars! London, your streets are now safe again.