Holy Mazola Oil! Britney Spears is birthing the spawn of Hades Federline as we speak. The Enquirer states that she arrived at L.A.'s Cedars-Sinai hospital at 7 A.M. PST, and that a C-section is being performed, thus laying to waste all the beautiful plans of flowers, soft music, and Kabbalian chanting in the birthing chamber. And Kevin Federline breathes a Kool-scented sigh of relief, knowing that he's off the hook when it comes to reading in Hebrew. Godspeed ye, little Lurlene Crystal-Jo London Preston Funyon Federspears. Godspeed, and God save us all.

UPDATE: It's a boy! Or, as proud Papa Fed would say, "Yo, it's a boyeeee. A'ight?"