Gear up for 1987, kids, it’s metal mania family feud time. We’ve got Bruce Dickinson vs. the Osbournes and Sebastian Bach vs. Vince Neil’s entire family. Complete with projectiles and more swear words than an S&M session between Courtney Love and a sailor on leave.

First up, Ozzfest, where Sharon Osbourne allegedly convinced fans and other musicians to shower Iron Maiden frontman Bruce Dickinson with eggs, beer, and other miscellany. Osbourne was said to be upset over an interview with Dickinson in Kerrang! in which Dickinson made fun of the Osbourne clan’s reality TV show. (We’re not sure where to go with this next, as we’re in a little bit of shock over the fact that Kerrang! is still in existence. We haven’t seen that magazine since 1989 when we clipped out a picture of Trixter and taped it to our pillow.) Along with having foreign objects hurled at the stage, Iron Maiden’s set was plagued with “technical difficulties” and Sharon got on stage when the band finished and called Dickinson a prick. Then the heat from the stage lights started to melt Sharon’s face and she had to rush off to find a plastic surgeon. Or at least that’s what our friend’s cousin Chainsaw told us. He was there. And he was wearing an authentic Stryper tour T-shirt, so dude’s got cred. (And just in case you wanted some actual news, Iron Maiden will not be finishing up Ozzfest and will be replaced by Velvet Revolver. So we bet metal fans will be thrilled.)

Next up we’ve got former Skid Row frontman and current Gilmore Girls cover-band dynamo Sebastian Bach. Bach was invited to a recent Mötley Crüe show and given a seat next to Vince Neil’s family in the VIP section. But Vince’s people aren’t the biggest “18 and Life” fans and asked Neil’s people to have Bach and his wife moved to another section. A source close to the family said, “They can’t stand Sebastian. He’s a pompous asshole--and those are his good qualities.” Ho ho. Good once, source. Another source claims that Bach did his best Naomi Campbell impression when he was made to switch seats. “He started cursing at the band while they were playing onstage. He started throwing anything around him at Vince Neil--cups, beer cans, soda, and food. He just lost it. Security finally stepped in and carried him out. He just kept screaming, ‘Mötley Crüe is over! Mötley Crüe is over!’ Vince was friends with Sebastian, but this is the end.” Sebastian Bach--a man who’s best “work” in the past fifteen years has been repeatedly appearing on Metal Mania on VH1 Classic--is proclaiming that Mötley Crüe is over? The next time Bach plays one of his sold-old concerts in his rec room, we hope one of the stuffed teddy bears throws beer at him and yells, “Sebastian Bach is over!” But we saved the best part for last: The whole tantrum was said to be caught on tape by cameras for Tommy Lee Goes to College. We can’t wait for that episode.