We have a confession to make: We’ve never actually watched American Idol. We pretend that we have. We once saw Bo Bice on The Daily Show and talked about how charming and talented he was when we gathered around the Mr. Coffee the next day at the office. But we were merely talking out of our ass. If Paula Abdul leaves the show and is replaced by either Whitney Houston or Mariah Carey, though, we will be the first in line to petition Fox for a 24 hour American Idol channel.

Of course Paula Abdul has her own collection of the crazies, but we just can’t bring ourselves to watch her talk out of the side of her mouth at the speed of paint drying. So we welcome a change of the mentally unstable guard. Let’s compare and contrast the likely responses to your Kelly Clarksons or your Clay Aikens that would issue forth from the kissers of our fictional judges, shall we?

Mariah: Your voice is like soft morning dew on the wings of a magnificent fluttering butterfly. When I hear you sing I feel that I am encased in the most beautiful cloud, with glitter falling all around me and angels caressing my skin. Of course you do have one flaw: You will never reach the heights of talent that I myself have achieved (sung: You’ve got me feeling emotions / Deeper than I’ve ever dreamed of . . . ).

Whitney: Your rendition of “Come on Eileen” has brought such joy into my life. I haven’t felt this wonderful since Bobby dug that dootie bubble out of my butt.

Clearly Whitney is the favorite.

Whitney's dootie at MrSkin.com.

And Mariah's butterfly at MrSkin.com.