For the moment, legendary Hollywood greasewad/cocksman Colin Farrell has cast aside his dreams of boffing an octogenarian to concentrate on more important things, like preventing his sex tape with Playboy Playmate Nicole Narain from seeing the light of day. 158% of heterosexual men would be awfully proud of such a tape, so one can only assume that Mr. Farrell posesses something that he doesn't want the public to see. Like a vestigial tail. Or a Wham! tattoo. Not that we know anything about Wham! tattoos or anything. God, we fucking miss Andrew Ridgeley.

According to PageSix.com, a man going by "J.J."--just J.J.; sounds totally legit and completely unsketchy--called them, claiming to have gotten his hands on the tape and wanted advice on how best to sell it. According to Mr. J, the 14-minute video starts off with "naked Nicole in her living room turning on some music, and ending with Farrell pointing the camera at her white cat in the corner of the room and saying, 'Baby, you have the most beautiful p*ssy.'" He also states that Nicole has a tattoo on her ass--is it Wham!? It's Wham!, isn't it?--and demonstrates a few Kama Sutra positions, such as the very complicated and highly difficult "missionary".

Narain has allegedly signed a release allowing the distribution of the tape, and Farrell's camp has hit back with a lawsuit designed to prevent her from doing so. Guess he doesn't realize that both parties involved on a schtup tape must sign releases for sale/distribution to happen. Guess he also doesn't realize that when you have sex with Playmates, a camera will always be involved. Guess he also didn't realize that the multiplatinum success of Wham! may not be forever, but a tattoo is.

More of Ms. Narain available at MrSkin.com.

And see what Farrell's packin' at MaleStars.com.