Memorial Day weekend! Whoo! Party! While you were busy getting wasted and playing grab-ass, Oliver Stone and Christian Slater were busy . . . getting wasted . . . and, uh, playing grab-ass. Also.

Children, let the Oliver Stone Story be a lesson to you all: do not attempt to muffle your Alexander-induced feelings of self-pity by gobbling down a bunch of hooch and goofballs. And if you do, do not get in your Mercedes. And if you do, do not drive it. And if you do drive it, don't get stopped by the cops. Because the cops will smell the Wild Turkey on your breath and they will search your big shiny fancypersonmobile and they will find your "unspecified substances" and they will throw your ass in jail and you will have to pay your own $15,000 bail. Dear Mr. Stone: go back to the '60s, ya hippie!

Christian Slater proves just how far one can fall in a short amount of time. A mere couple of months ago, dude was starring in a hit London play and quite probably tapping the ass of America's most eligible Hohan. Now, dude is, well, he's still in the hit play, but the ass he was quite literally giving an unwelcome tap early this morning was attached to a woman who notified the po-po. Slater allegedly got a little cheeky and grabbed the glutes of a random lady near 93rd Street and Third Avenue on the Upper East Side around 1:50 a.m this morn. The gropee flagged down a cop, fingered Slater as the man attached to the hand, and he was arrested and charged with third degree sexual abuse. He's appearing in court later today . . . we'll keep you updated.