Dig, if you will, a picture: Vin Diesel defending the honor of Fat Actress fat actress Kirstie Alley, superhero style. A holiday tale to give you the warm fuzzies.

Ample Cheers cutie Kirstie Alley was enjoying a day at the park with her pet pooches when she was approached by a roving gang of local toughs, who began to shout at her: "Hey, you're the chick from 'Cheers' . . . Man, you really packed on the pounds since then!" Kirstie, red-faced and holding back tears, tried to load her dogs into her car and flee the sizeist baddies, when who should emerge out of the mist but action hero Vin Diesel. "You boys have a problem?" he said, stepping to the punks. "I think you boys owe this lady an apology." The baddies complied and split, leaving Kirstie to thank her hero. And they all lived happily ever after.

Imagine a world in which Vin Diesel roamed the earth, gallantly lending a bemuscled hand wherever injustice against the downtrodden and zaftig was found! 'Tis the stuff of dreams. 'Tis the stuff of a John Lennon song, never to be written.