Ozzy Osbourne's recent turn at crime-fighting may have boosted his self-esteem, but it hasn't done much for his wallet. According to wife Sharon, the Osbournes have no money to buy Christmas presents this year. No Christmas goose! No tricycle for young Kelly, no trackpants Christmas morning for wee Ozzy, no Oxycontin under the tree for little Jackie. The heart bleeds.

Sharon explains, "For certain people, family and friends, I do spend a lot, though this year, after being robbed, I haven't got anything, I'm skint. I usually buy the kids a watch or a piece of jewelry, or a flat-screen TV, but I don't know how we'll manage this year." Oh cripes, Jack and Kelly may have to make do with cramming Bugles into their whine-holes in front of an embarrassingly bulky, boxy television this year. The horror!