The Hollywood Poop

08 February 2010 | Agent E.
1

HudRod Moves on, Establishes HudLake and CamRod

kate-hudson-screamsWhen we heard back in December that Kate Hudson and A-Rod had broken up, we were devastated. We didn’t eat for weeks. We just weeped, “Why? Why?” over and over while stroking our A-Rod Topps card and watching Almost Famous. But in our heart there was hope. Hope that love would survive, even if it wasn’t with each other. And at last these two pretty people have moved on to other vaginas/man-pussies. A-Rod was seen canoodling with Cameron Diaz at a pre-Super Bowl party on Saturday. Says OK!:

“They were having a great time,” a partygoer tells OK! while Cameron was, “grinding on A-Rod.”

According to the partygoer, a tipsy Cameron was being very, “fun and flirty,” with the Yankee player sitting on the couch beside her as she, “was dancing by herself and then turning into [Alex] some.”

Meanwhile, Kate’s looking to get herself a taste of the Timbersnake. The National Enquirer (via Celebitchy) claims:

At the SAGs, “Kate flirted with Justin outrageously that night, and he was all over her… they exchanged numbers in the green room.”

Rumors persist that the love affair between Justin and Jessica [Biel] has all but crumbled and that both are ready to move on. “Kate wouldn’t dream about stealing another girl’s guy. But in Hollywood, most people believe JT and Jessica are now all but over. They’re certainly not red-hot for each other anymore.”

“Kate wants a man who is easy to be with. And that’s certainly Justin… but Kate’s not rushing into anything. She’s always had a crush on Justin and she’s following her instincts.”

Well, it’s nice to know that Kate would never steal another girl’s boyfriend. Unless of course said boyfriend is no longer in love with the girl. Or unless said boyfriend is really hot. Or really famous. Or really funny. So you see, she really had no choice here, Biel or not. But Hudson better watch her back just in case Biel is still in the JT business, cause that girl looks like could kick your cooter so hard she’d puncture a lung.

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08 February 2010 | Inspector S.
6

Puke.

levi1If there’s anything women dream of, it’s an undereducated hayseed who will impregnate them in high school. And if the hayseed is as soft and mushy-looking as Baby Huey himself, all the better. Which is why the fatcats at Playgirl are so smart for putting Palin-inseminating Alaskan Levi Johnson nude on their cover. People says:

Levi Johnston’s long-awaited Playgirl cover has finally been released, and the caribou hunter-turned-aspiring model/actor does live up to his promise and appear nude, but with one notable exception: He covers himself below the waist.

Wow. What a completely erotic photograph. Look at those eyes, piercing right through to your soul. “I’ve got a penis,” the eyes say. “It’s flaccid and hidden under my arm. You wanna find it? You wanna look for it, girl? I’m gonna put a baby in you so hardcore. You’re gonna be stepping on binkies and spending your allowance on Huggies while your friends cut chem to drive down to Burning Man. You want it.”

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08 February 2010 | Agent E.
2

Ronson Is Ragin’—All over Lindsay’s Noggin

lindsay-lohan-sam-ronson-promIt looks like Chris “Doo Doo” Brown may finally be relinquishing his well-earned title of A ASSHOLE. Who do you think the big macho lady-beating manly man wiener head is who’s taking it away? Mel Gibson? Ben Affleck? The Situation? Nah. It’s Sam Ronson. She allegedly beats the crap out of sorta-maybe-sometimes-ex-girlfriend Lindsay Lohan. A source told Radar:

One time I saw her [Lindsay] and she had a large welt on her head.

She told me that Sam beat the (bleep) out of her. She also said that Sam even punched and choked her one time.

It’s so twisted. They’re not together, but they are. I never thought I’d ever say this, but I really do feel sorry for Lindsay. She is just lost. She’s alone. She has no friends to turn to.

We were all set up to make a joke about Sam being Dyke Turner to Lindsay’s Tina, but then we realized that we’re assholes and started feeling really sad for Lindsay. Seriously, girl, you deserve better than getting bloodied up by a DJ who looks like the love child of Aaron Carter and Anderson Cooper.

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08 February 2010 | Inspector S.
2

Jennifer Twiddles Gerard’s Moobs in Mexico

aniston_butler_1Jennifer Aniston’s accomplished a lot in her nearly 41 years. She got her hair to be really shiny and she became a professional scorned woman who is sad and desperate to shackle herself to any willing man, dragging him down the aisle to his doom. But things are looking good lately for Jen–she recently headed down to Mexico with her buddies Courteney Cox and Sheryl Crow. And guess who joined them? Jen’s rumored beau, the pugilistic-faced doughboy Gerard Butler! Git it, girl. Go get that blobby-nosed philistine. People says:

Jennifer Aniston headed to one of her favorite getaway spots, Los Cabos, Mexico, where the actress is getting a jump start celebrating her 41st birthday – Aniston’s big day is actually Feb. 11 – with a group of friends. But this year, she had a surprise birthday guest: Gerard Butler, her costar in the upcoming comedy, The Bounty Hunter. Last month, the two were spotted laughing and spending a lot of time together at the Golden Globes.

Laughing? Spending time? In Hollywood speak, that means Jennifer is 5 months pregnant and they’re registered at Pottery Barn. Whatever though, we’re just thrilled at the prospect of an excellent celebrity couple nickname: Anisbut. Haw haw. Anus butt.

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05 February 2010 | Inspector S.
0

CNW Junk Drawer: She’s Still Got It!

  • kate_moss_b-gr_022Kate Moss dons the latest fashion of early crow’s feet, a real dead leopard, and jeans smeared with booger sugar. God, she’s hot. (Yeeeah!)
  • Naked supermodels for Love magazine. No, of course this is NSFW, were you born in a barn? (Nudography)
  • Did Orlando Bloom and Kristen Stewart secretly hook up at Sundance? The intrigue! The eunuchs! (Celebitchy)
  • The Oscars are for hobos and miscreants. Real people prefer the Anatomy Awards. NSFW, and deliciously so. (Mr. Skin)
  • There was a Lady Gaga nipple slip at the Grammys and we missed it. We are humbled. (Cityrag)
  • Paris Hilton is too dumb to lock her doors. She’s also too dumb to do long division, too dumb to milk a goat, and too dumb to use a can opener. (Gone Hollywood)
  • Charlie Sheen will be charged with a felony, plus someone stole and crashed his SUV last night, so he’s having a really ace week. (The Blemish)
  • Tila Tequila’s bodyguard exposes her lies. She lies???? You’re kidding. (Allie Is Wired)
  • Oh, Tila also returned to Twitter. We said she’d last two hours but she lasted a few days. She sure proved us wrong. (Twitter)
  • Tiger Woods is out of rehab. His insatiable lust for cooze has been curbed. (Bitten and Bound)
  • Kelly Brook upskirt on Strictly Come Dancing, which is not a grammatically correct title. (DRW)
  • We’re on Facebook. Pleeease be our friend. Popularity is a virtue.
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05 February 2010 | Agent E.
3

Anne Hathaway Wants To Kiss Like Jennifer Garner. We Want Anne Hathaway to Kiss Jennifer Garner.

anne-hathaway-sexy-gq1We have tried very, very hard to ignore the movie Valentine’s Day (and the holiday, for that matter). From what we can gather from the commercials, it’s He’s Just Not that into You with Julia Roberts instead of Jennifer Aniston, and more sappy love crap than whining about not understanding the internet. But apparently Anne Hathaway’s in it. She’s pretty. But since she’s not pretty and naked in it, we’ll skip the movie and just watch Anne promote the movie. Cause the way she’s doing that is by almost giving up nipple in GQ and talking about how Jennifer Garner looks really awesome when she kisses people in movies.

If you’re both unattached and you get along, of course kissing in a movie is fun. But you can never get truly down and into it. Well, I can’t. Jennifer Garner – now that girl can movie kiss. I gotta say, that girl can really give it some up there . . . You have to understand. There’s a technique for pretty movie kissing. There’s also full-on movie kissing – a totally different experience. But really, you have to be like Angelina Jolie to pull that off and still look good. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I ain’t no Angie.

Nah, if she were Angie, she never would have talked about kissing being fun. There is no such word in Jolie’s vocabulary.

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05 February 2010 | Inspector S.
5

NBC Is Still Classy

nbc-black-history1-500x500First there was the whole Conan/Jay thing, and now there’s another reason to prove that NBC is run by 200-year-old clueless white guys. ?uestlove is the drummer for the Roots, a good band that unfortunately is the house band on the stupefyingly unfunny Jimmy Fallon Show, on NBC. To prove that they’re “down” with the “homies”, NBC made a special lunch in honor of Black History Month that was available to employees. ?uestlove took a picture and posted it on his Twitter with the words, “hmmm, HR?” We’re not sure if he was referring to Human Resources or the dude from Bad Brains but either would be sufficient in this case. Just look at that menu to the left. It’s ridiculous. The only thing missing is watermelon slices served in a “mammy” tureen and a box of Kools for dessert.

Come Tweet with us.

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05 February 2010 | Agent E.
0

Lohan Be Throwin’ (Drinks in Sam’s Face)

lindsay-lohan-samantha-ronson-smokingYou probably think that Lindsay Lohan is hard at work with a bunch of Rubbermaid bins and a couple packs of Swiffers trying to rid her home of an Alpine pile of free shit, but you don’t know her very well, do you? She’s actually been busy boozing, popping pills, grinding on girlies, and getting into public fights with past pussy pal Sam Ronson. Radar claims that LiLo showed up at one of SamRo’s DJ gigs chugging from a vodka bottle, chomping on Adderal, and looking for some action. A source gabbed:

“Lindsay was trying to get Sam’s attention, but she was working and studiously ignored Lindsay. You could see Lindsay getting more and more worked up the more Sam didn’t pay her any attention. At one point Lindsay was dirty dancing with this really pretty girl right in front of Sam, obviously to try and make her jealous.

“Sam just got sick of it all in the end though and started taunting Lindsay about her being all drunk and messed up. She said to Lindsay, “Why don’t you just have another drink?” and even told her, “You’re a disgrace”.

“That made Lindsay just totally flip out on Sam. She picked up a drink and threw it straight in her face! Sam was absolutely furious and picked up some DJ equipment that was by her and threw that at Lindsay. It was crazy!

We’re not saying this is totally made up or anything, but if this story had continued and described how Sam broke a Lady Gaga 12″ over Lindsay’s head and then Lindsay, who happened to be standing next to a fully stocked dessert case, whacked Sam in the maw with a coconut cream pie, it wouldn’t really seem like an odd progression.

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05 February 2010 | Inspector S.
0

Brittany Murphy’s Autopsy Results Are In

Brittany Murphy cracks a smile and kisses her husband at the airport in Los AngelesThe autopsy report for Casey Johnson is in. The socialite/Tila Tequila pawn died of diabetic ketoacidosis. Also, the autopsy report for Jay Reatard shows acute cocaine toxicity with alcohol. The moral of these stories is: take your insulin, don’t mix the Kate Moss dust with booze, and don’t touch Tila Tequila. These things would not have saved Brittany Murphy, though. TMZ reports:

Sources involved in Brittany Murphy’s autopsy tell TMZ her death was “preventable.”

Sources say the primary causes of Murphy’s death were pneumonia and severe anemia. L.A. County Coroner officials believe Brittany’s condition was “treatable” but no one took her to the hospital in time.

As for the multiple drugs found in her system, we’re told they were both prescription, including medicine for cramps, and over-the-counter medications, including cough syrup. Our sources say the drugs “pushed her over the line” but the underlying problems were the pneumonia and anemia.

People asked Brittney’s gorgeous widower Simon Monjack what he thought about the report, and he said:

“I expected [the cause of death] to be her heart.” She was “not that ill,” he said. “She wasn’t coughing up. I’ve had pneumonia and coughed up handfuls of spittle. So yeah, everything surprised us, everything.”

Well, there goes his whole “cartoon penguins broke her heart” lawsuit and defense. How will he get money out of Hollywood now? Maybe Coraline was the one who infected Brittany. And the Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs guys stole all her iron.

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04 February 2010 | Agent E.
2

Vincent Gallo and a Pair of Bushes

vincent-gallo-lauren-and-barbara-bushLauren Bush: Do you think the camera’s getting my good side? This is my good side, right? Oh, I can’t remember. Maybe I should pull my dress down a little more just in case.

Barbara Bush: If this guy touches me again, I swear I’ll scream. Daddy gave me a rape whistle for moments like this. God, I wish I still had service following me. This is creeping me out.

Vincent Gallo: Which one of these of these girls would make a good lead in The Brown Bunny 2? The one in green’s hotter, but the other one looks dumber, like she could be talked into anything.

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