The Hollywood Poop

09 February 2010 | Inspector S.
1

Lilo Claims Magically-Growing Mouth

63201199We’re no big top dog fatcat Hollywood plastic surgeon, but we do know that it’s physically impossible for one’s lips to just get bigger. In fact, as we age, collagen is depleted and lips actually become thinner. We learned this from a L’oreal commercial, and Linda Evangelista would not lie, so why is Lindsay Lohan playing us for a fool? According to US and Lilo’s Twitter, the star(?) is claiming that her mouth just naturally got enormous.

The actress, 23, posted a photo of herself on Twitter, and wrote, “See! my lips are just as they’ve always been :) lol-it’s nuts that i feel the need to give proof! what is this world coming to!!”

And the reason she wrote this on Twitter was because she is unable to lift the freakishly overstuffed heft of her stupid fake lips to form actual words, as you can see from the photo.

Follow us on Twitter. Dummy.

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09 February 2010 | Agent E.
0

Kate Moss Is “Difficult”, Nude

kate-moss-nude-love-magazine1We can’t even count that times we’ve sat around smoking a doob contemplating Kate Moss. We think about what her hair must feel like, dry and spotted with polyester. We wonder what minor infraction it would take to make her spit in someone’s face. But mostly we think about her work. It’s genius! Sure, when she puts on an outfit, you think, “That’s how you wear clothes. I should just go naked in shame that I don’t wear clothes that well.” But when she goes nude? Now that’s a model. One person who thinks that working with Kate Moss is less than a dream, though? Calvin Klein. UK’s Telegraph reports:

Klein, recalling the time he cast Moss and Mark Wahlberg in a series of advertisements in the Eighties, says she was, while “a great model,” a “difficult” person to work with. “It didn’t go too well. She didn’t like him at all. He was a pleasure. I have worked with so many women, great ones, and Kate was always difficult.”

You want to know why Kate was being difficult, Calvin? Because you made her wear underwear. Don’t you know she hates that? She could sell the hear out of some underdrawers and over-the-shoulder boulder holders if you let her get naked. Because that what she does. What, did you tell her she couldn’t smoke in the pics either? Because that’s also what she does. It’s like you don’t know her at all.

Oh hey, did all this talk of Kate Moss nude make you want to see what that looks like? Cause we can hook you up. After the cut, peep Kate all naked in Love magazine, complete with (kind of) bushy beaver!

Continue reading »

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09 February 2010 | Inspector S.
1

Tiny, Bedazzled People in Love

snooki_boyfriend_1Thus far, she’s been snookin’ for love in all the wrong places, but diminutive Jersey Shore star Snooki must have been in the right Senor Frog’s at the right time, because she’s finally found herself the “guido juicehead” of her dreams. His name is Emilio Antonio, which sounds like someone Madonna would date, but he’s as orange as the day is long, sports a high n’ tight fade, and is no taller than your average Muppet Baby; therefore, he’s perfect for Snooki. She tells RadarOnline:

“He is actually a body builder and works at the gym. He is just like my typical guido juicehead with like a good personality. I am really excited to like show the public who he is. He is freaking banging. We’re the sexiest couple I have ever seen in my entire life so I am excited for everybody to see that.”

Lots of luck to the terra cotta couple. Guido love is dangerous love. There’s always the threat of collapsing under the weight of combined studded and be-glittered Ed Hardy wear. Or getting gored by a Paully D hairdo during sex.

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09 February 2010 | Inspector S.
0

Brooklyn’s Double Deckers on SI Swimsuit Issue

You’d expect someone who willingly goes by the name “Brooklyn” to wear comically oversized Sally Jessy glasses and dream of one day having her taxidermy collection profiled in the NYTimes Style section, but not Brooklyn Decker. She’s a blonde beachy model in the classic mold of Christie Brinkley and Cheryl Tiegs and is following in their footsteps by appearing on this year’s cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. This issue used to be the stroke manual for every teenage boy without access to his dad’s old copies of Cheri, but now that porn is readily available to anyone with a computer, SI is trying to jazz it up a bit with some kicky, boob-free toplessness. As for Brooklyn, the wife of tennis player Andy Roddick, she says that being on the cover is the tops:

“It’s shocking and a dream come true! My mom cried . . . We’re all on pins and needles before the issue comes out, because the cover is something all the girls want so badly. So it’s nice for my family because they don’t have to stress about it anymore.”

A dream come true for anybody, really. When I was a child, my main dream was to grow up and have a bunch of mouthbreathing cretins jiggle their musky puds to my image. That, and to be an astronaut cowboy Harlem Globetrotter.

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09 February 2010 | Agent E.
0

Did Ed Westwick Have Sex in Public? With a Girl?

Ed Westwick and Jessica SzohrWe generally don’t give two farts about the Super Bowl. It was probably childhood that did it, since our first experience of the big game involved singing “You’re lookin’ at the Fridge, I’m the rookie. I may be large, but I’m no dumb cookie” in music class. What could top that? But while we counteract our boredom with beer and Doritos (the official snack chip of the Super Bowl), some people just turn to humping. People like Gossip Girl stars Jessica Szohr and Ed Westwick. Says Page Six:

“Gossip Girl” co-stars and real-life lovers Ed Westwick and Jessica Szohr did their best to put the breakup rumors to bed at Maxim’s Super Bowl party at the Raleigh in Miami. “They spent most of the night dodging cameras in one of the back cabanas, where they were making out like crazy,” says a spy. “It looked like they were having sex.”

Chace Crawford’s Jessica Szohr costume must be looking really convincing these days.

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08 February 2010 | Agent E.
1

HudRod Moves on, Establishes HudLake and CamRod

kate-hudson-screamsWhen we heard back in December that Kate Hudson and A-Rod had broken up, we were devastated. We didn’t eat for weeks. We just weeped, “Why? Why?” over and over while stroking our A-Rod Topps card and watching Almost Famous. But in our heart there was hope. Hope that love would survive, even if it wasn’t with each other. And at last these two pretty people have moved on to other vaginas/man-pussies. A-Rod was seen canoodling with Cameron Diaz at a pre-Super Bowl party on Saturday. Says OK!:

“They were having a great time,” a partygoer tells OK! while Cameron was, “grinding on A-Rod.”

According to the partygoer, a tipsy Cameron was being very, “fun and flirty,” with the Yankee player sitting on the couch beside her as she, “was dancing by herself and then turning into [Alex] some.”

Meanwhile, Kate’s looking to get herself a taste of the Timbersnake. The National Enquirer (via Celebitchy) claims:

At the SAGs, “Kate flirted with Justin outrageously that night, and he was all over her… they exchanged numbers in the green room.”

Rumors persist that the love affair between Justin and Jessica [Biel] has all but crumbled and that both are ready to move on. “Kate wouldn’t dream about stealing another girl’s guy. But in Hollywood, most people believe JT and Jessica are now all but over. They’re certainly not red-hot for each other anymore.”

“Kate wants a man who is easy to be with. And that’s certainly Justin… but Kate’s not rushing into anything. She’s always had a crush on Justin and she’s following her instincts.”

Well, it’s nice to know that Kate would never steal another girl’s boyfriend. Unless of course said boyfriend is no longer in love with the girl. Or unless said boyfriend is really hot. Or really famous. Or really funny. So you see, she really had no choice here, Biel or not. But Hudson better watch her back just in case Biel is still in the JT business, cause that girl looks like could kick your cooter so hard she’d puncture a lung.

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08 February 2010 | Inspector S.
6

Puke.

levi1If there’s anything women dream of, it’s an undereducated hayseed who will impregnate them in high school. And if the hayseed is as soft and mushy-looking as Baby Huey himself, all the better. Which is why the fatcats at Playgirl are so smart for putting Palin-inseminating Alaskan Levi Johnson nude on their cover. People says:

Levi Johnston’s long-awaited Playgirl cover has finally been released, and the caribou hunter-turned-aspiring model/actor does live up to his promise and appear nude, but with one notable exception: He covers himself below the waist.

Wow. What a completely erotic photograph. Look at those eyes, piercing right through to your soul. “I’ve got a penis,” the eyes say. “It’s flaccid and hidden under my arm. You wanna find it? You wanna look for it, girl? I’m gonna put a baby in you so hardcore. You’re gonna be stepping on binkies and spending your allowance on Huggies while your friends cut chem to drive down to Burning Man. You want it.”

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08 February 2010 | Agent E.
2

Ronson Is Ragin’—All over Lindsay’s Noggin

lindsay-lohan-sam-ronson-promIt looks like Chris “Doo Doo” Brown may finally be relinquishing his well-earned title of A ASSHOLE. Who do you think the big macho lady-beating manly man wiener head is who’s taking it away? Mel Gibson? Ben Affleck? The Situation? Nah. It’s Sam Ronson. She allegedly beats the crap out of sorta-maybe-sometimes-ex-girlfriend Lindsay Lohan. A source told Radar:

One time I saw her [Lindsay] and she had a large welt on her head.

She told me that Sam beat the (bleep) out of her. She also said that Sam even punched and choked her one time.

It’s so twisted. They’re not together, but they are. I never thought I’d ever say this, but I really do feel sorry for Lindsay. She is just lost. She’s alone. She has no friends to turn to.

We were all set up to make a joke about Sam being Dyke Turner to Lindsay’s Tina, but then we realized that we’re assholes and started feeling really sad for Lindsay. Seriously, girl, you deserve better than getting bloodied up by a DJ who looks like the love child of Aaron Carter and Anderson Cooper.

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08 February 2010 | Inspector S.
2

Jennifer Twiddles Gerard’s Moobs in Mexico

aniston_butler_1Jennifer Aniston’s accomplished a lot in her nearly 41 years. She got her hair to be really shiny and she became a professional scorned woman who is sad and desperate to shackle herself to any willing man, dragging him down the aisle to his doom. But things are looking good lately for Jen–she recently headed down to Mexico with her buddies Courteney Cox and Sheryl Crow. And guess who joined them? Jen’s rumored beau, the pugilistic-faced doughboy Gerard Butler! Git it, girl. Go get that blobby-nosed philistine. People says:

Jennifer Aniston headed to one of her favorite getaway spots, Los Cabos, Mexico, where the actress is getting a jump start celebrating her 41st birthday – Aniston’s big day is actually Feb. 11 – with a group of friends. But this year, she had a surprise birthday guest: Gerard Butler, her costar in the upcoming comedy, The Bounty Hunter. Last month, the two were spotted laughing and spending a lot of time together at the Golden Globes.

Laughing? Spending time? In Hollywood speak, that means Jennifer is 5 months pregnant and they’re registered at Pottery Barn. Whatever though, we’re just thrilled at the prospect of an excellent celebrity couple nickname: Anisbut. Haw haw. Anus butt.

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05 February 2010 | Inspector S.
0

CNW Junk Drawer: She’s Still Got It!

  • kate_moss_b-gr_022Kate Moss dons the latest fashion of early crow’s feet, a real dead leopard, and jeans smeared with booger sugar. God, she’s hot. (Yeeeah!)
  • Naked supermodels for Love magazine. No, of course this is NSFW, were you born in a barn? (Nudography)
  • Did Orlando Bloom and Kristen Stewart secretly hook up at Sundance? The intrigue! The eunuchs! (Celebitchy)
  • The Oscars are for hobos and miscreants. Real people prefer the Anatomy Awards. NSFW, and deliciously so. (Mr. Skin)
  • There was a Lady Gaga nipple slip at the Grammys and we missed it. We are humbled. (Cityrag)
  • Paris Hilton is too dumb to lock her doors. She’s also too dumb to do long division, too dumb to milk a goat, and too dumb to use a can opener. (Gone Hollywood)
  • Charlie Sheen will be charged with a felony, plus someone stole and crashed his SUV last night, so he’s having a really ace week. (The Blemish)
  • Tila Tequila’s bodyguard exposes her lies. She lies???? You’re kidding. (Allie Is Wired)
  • Oh, Tila also returned to Twitter. We said she’d last two hours but she lasted a few days. She sure proved us wrong. (Twitter)
  • Tiger Woods is out of rehab. His insatiable lust for cooze has been curbed. (Bitten and Bound)
  • Kelly Brook upskirt on Strictly Come Dancing, which is not a grammatically correct title. (DRW)
  • We’re on Facebook. Pleeease be our friend. Popularity is a virtue.
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