It’s about time to take the final bits of scaffolding off Heidi Montag following her triathlon of plastic surgery. And bandages aren’t the only thing she’s shedding. She’s also dumping her husband/flesh-colored beard-grower Spencer Pratt as her manager. And guess who she’s hiring in his place? Someone with lots of experience? A real professional? A rich guy in a suit? No, some dude who diddles crystals. According to People, Heidi announced:
“After the incredible experiences I have had healing my life and truly connecting to my dreams with healer intuitive Aiden Chase, I have officially asked him to become my manager,” Montag says. “Having an intuitive psychic leading my team gives me an edge no one else has.”
“No longer is my husband the face of my business or managing my career,” she adds. “I am going to have Aiden Chase help manage my new life and career in a very different and positive way with light and love. The time for change is now. Never mix business and pleasure. We are no longer Speidi but Spencer and Heidi.”
Terrific idea. Why not employ a homeopath to do your next plastic surgery or a Native American shaman to be your accountant? “Swimming Bear, how are my stocks doing?” “No good, Jiggles with Silicone. Should have sold J.P. Morgan for more wampum when had chance.”
Back in 1983, my mind was blown clear out of my head after being allowed to stay up late to watch the “Thriller” video. “It’s a video! B-b-b-but it’s also a MOVIE!” I cried in between bites of Smurfberry Crunch. Now, in 2010, I got up early to go to work and watch “Telephone” by Lady Gaga and Beyonce. “It’s a video! But it’s also a MOVIE!” I just cried in between bites of Activia. Here’s the video in its entirety. Watch it, then comment about how stupid Lady Gaga is and how you think she’s ugly and you wouldn’t f her with a stolen dick, as you commenters are wont to do. The video and song are awe-inspiring. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to load up plentyoffish.com on my Virgin Mobile phone while eating Miracle Whip. P.S. Nipple tape. P.P.S. Blurred cooter.
Amy Winehouse plans to remarry Blake Fielder Civil Servant and have children, because she makes terrific life choices. (Yeeeah!)
And Renee Zellweger wants to marry Bradley Cooper, because her other marriage to a rumored gay dude went so very well. (Allie)
Coco T posted a nude photo of herself in a tanning bed on Twitter, if you like a little melanoma with your gigantor dumpers. (Gone Hollywood)
Corey Feldman goes on Larry King to talk about the late Corey Haim’s financial situation, and to toss about that curiously thin, oily little forelock of his. (Jezebel)
Buying a Maserati makes Britney Spears’s nipples erect. (Cityrag)
Kara DioGuardi would call her upskirt shot “a package artist who can sing the phone book”. (Taxi Driver)
The 437th article about Kendra Wilkinson’s post-baby body. (Amy Grindhouse)
FHM continues its reign of relevance, the April issue of the Australian version teaches us how to “make your PC a hi-fi” and “rule touch footy”. That alone is worth the cover price, but the mag also features photographs of hot television stars from the U.S., with Kim Kardashian and her glorious alpine ass slopes gracing the cover. FHM also purports that Kim has “the best body on Earth,” which is good news for the rest of the universe. “Keep dreaming, Earth female,” nodded Princess GlorpBlorf of the third ring of Saturn, lovingly patting her pageant-winning spacebreast and comely tentacles.
All the FHM skirts, including Summer Glau, Eva Amurri, Leighton Meester, Minka Kelly, Erin Cummings, Olivia Munn, and Jessica Stroup:
Normally we hate hype and internet memes and tend to dislike things as soon as they become popular because we’re super cool. But we’ve been on board with the Betty White revival since the start, and the Facebook group dedicated to getting BW on Saturday Night Live succeeded in its goal. Popeater reports:
The ‘Golden Girls’ actress will host the show on May 8, WNBC News announced Thursday morning. The special Mother’s Day episode will also reunite six former female ‘SNL’ cast members: Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Molly Shannon, Maya Rudolph, Ana Gasteyer and Rachel Dratch.
The show’s creator-producer, Lorne Michaels, admits the Facebook campaign “took on a groundswell.”
“[White as the host] isn’t something we would have said no to, [but the campaign] validated that, ‘Oh, that’d be fun’ … It was the outpouring of affection from fans, and we feel the same way,” Michaels added.
Great, now every dumb Facebook group will think they can make a difference. Sorry, friends. John Cougar Mellencamp will never quit smoking and that guy’s sister will not name her baby Megatron.
Yesterday we posted the trailer to the trailer of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse. Today, the actual trailer has been released. This looks like a non-stop thrill ride, with Robert Pattinson speaking in hushed tones and Kristen Stewart furrowing her brow and RPattz and Taylor Lautner the werewolf battling for her immortal love. These people are seventeen; they should be administering clunky handjobs and sexting, not promising to protect each other until the end of time. The best part of the trailer is when Opie’s daughter jumps over a ravine to kill Bella and Edward and Bella says, “She’s found us.” I wonder how she found them? Maybe because they live in the same homes in the same small rural town that they always have. I don’t know. I just don’t know.
We’ve been neglecting the all-important 8-13 demographic lately, but damn it if Justin Bieber hasn’t been toeing the line and keeping his nose clean lately. So instead, we turn to Twilight and its cache of celibate Mormon monsters. A preview of the new trailer for The Twilight Saga: Eclipse was released today (the full trailer will be out tomorrow), and man alive, does this look fantastic. I don’t want to spoil the surprise but Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson lay down and stare at each other while discussing the impossibility of their love and Jacob has his shirt off. It’s really different from the first two. Different in that Edward looks to be using a different brand of hair product and Jacob is wearing Dockers instead of cutoffs.
There are a lot of ways moms and daughters can bond. Perhaps they could get a manicure together. Participate in a mother-daughter fashion show. Start a book club. Go to the American Girl Place. Or wipe their cooters on a stripper pole in front of the orphan from Growing Pains, if you’re Demi Moore and child. Tell it, NY Post:
Demi Moore gave daughter Rumer Willis a pole-dancing lesson at a party at the Chateau Marmont hotel in Hollywood. A partygoer told Life & Style that the “Striptease” star “even spun around the pole upside down.” Then Rumer gave it a whirl as Ashton Kutcher, Jennifer Aniston and Leonardo DiCaprio cheered her on at the recent bash. “Everyone was cheering, and Leo gave Ashton a high-five,” the source added.
Aw. Tender maternal moments. “No, no, sweetheart. Do it like Mommy. Left leg over right leg, not the other way. You don’t want your breakaway G-string to ride up,” Demi said before licking her finger to scrub away a smudge of dirt from Rumer’s boob.
We should have known by the Boner’s passing that dark stuff was in store for the fruit of the ’80s. In an unsurprising yet still very sad turn of events, Corey Haim was found dead of an apparent drug overdose early this morning. TMZ scoops it:
Corey Haim collapsed in the bedroom of his mother’s apartment and four prescription bottles were found nearby … law enforcement sources tell TMZ.
We’ve learned Corey had been sick the last couple of days with flu-like symptoms. The medications recovered, however, were not related to his illness, sources tell TMZ. We’re told no illicit drugs were found in the apartment.
Sources say Haim got out of bed just before 1 AM and collapsed in front of his mother. She called 911 at 12:53 AM and Corey was taken to the hospital where he was pronounced dead at 2:15 AM.
Corey’s mom told authorities he had been battling prescription drug addiction for years. Authorities believe — though are not certain — Corey died of an accidental drug overdose.
We are confident that when the autopsy report comes back, we’ll find out that it was actually death by stereo.
If the press is to be believed (and it TOTALLY IS), then Gerard Butler is 2006 Colin Farrell with a Scottish accent, and Madonna feeds her ropey tentacles by feeding off the essence of males born after 1973. So it would only make sense that these two eventually fall into each other’s groin-starved clutches. Hollywood Life purports:
Madonna and Gerard Butler would certainly make quite the pair – as they’re both famously sexy flirts. These two perfect matches found each other last night – and spent Oscar night getting down at Madonna’s afterparty, according to someone who was there.
Gerard attended a private bash that Madge, Demi Moore and producer Guy Oseary threw in the Hollywood Hills March 7 – and despite the very late hour, the action was steamy, we’re told. Madonna and Gerard were “all over each other,” one eyewitness tells HollywoodLife.com. “She was putting on the full-court press, totally charming him – and even challenged him to a dance-off! They were grinding in the middle of the room real close and then Demi joined in. It was hot!”
That does sound hot! Especially if your particular fetish is being surrounded by grinning harridans, faces frozen like demonic marionettes, their starved, beef jerky limbs twitching in time to the music, their brittle bones clinking together as they rub their depleted pelvises against a sweaty Scotsman.
It’s about time to take the final bits of scaffolding off Heidi Montag following her triathlon of plastic surgery. And bandages aren’t the only thing she’s shedding. She’s also dumping her husband/flesh-colored beard-grower Spencer Pratt as her manager. And guess who she’s hiring in his place? Someone with lots of experience? A real professional? A rich guy in a suit? No, some dude who diddles crystals. According to People, Heidi announced:
