Amy Winehouse has traded needles in the arm for needles in the boobs and lips. (The Blemish)
Rachel Bilson sports Gwyneth Paltrow-style greaseball legs in Flaunt. (Yeeeah!)
James Gandolfini assaulted a paparazzo. Sadly, he later found out that the photog was not, in fact, carrying any nachos on him so it was all for naught. (Anything Hollywood)
Strap on your lucite and jump into a puddle of bronzer–it’s the Shauna Sandsex tape preview! (Nudography)
Tom isn’t the only Cruise who likes a phallic object in the mouth. (Allie Is Wired)
Kelly Brook places crumpets over her crumpets. Then we will eat dunk them in our milk. And other gross metaphors. (Mr. Skin)
Australia is pissssssed about Britney Spears lip synching. (Amy Grindhouse).
Chris Martin calls Kate Bosworth Gwyneth’s “younger version”. And then he porked her. (Celebitchy)
Sandra Bullock in custody battle for porn star’s kid. God, that sentence was awesome. (Hollywood Gossip)
Michael Lohan wants to release more Lindsaytapes. Yeah, that’ll help. (Pop on the Pop)
Do you want to know a secret about the internet? Nerds keep it alive. You might think that the internet’s true purpose is cute kitty videos on YouTube or for you to stalk your high-school classmates on Facebook. But no. It’s to keep geeks happy. Do you think that your company’s IT guy is sitting down in his basement twiddling his thumbs waiting for a pornado to crash your browser? Nope. He’s searching for Tricia Helfer nude. And you know who else he wants to see naked? Olivia Munn. She’s totally hot, but she could also school you in Halo. And if there’s one thing that geeks love, it’s the interaction of hot chicks and video games. Well, that and beating off.
If you place Kevin Federline’s semen on a slide and peer at it through a microscope, you will see the mustachioed strongman from the circus, Batman, Captain “Sully” Sullenberger, Juggernaut from the X-Men, and the ‘85 Bears. His seed will not be stopped. He has two children with Shar Jackson, two with Britney Spears, and now, he’s impregnated his present girlfriend. Or so the Enquirer says:
Pro volleyball player Victoria Prince said she found out in mid-October that she’s expecting K-Fed’s fifth child, and friends fear the surprising baby news could send the emotionally fragile Britney back off the rails.
“Britney never wanted Kevin to have another child unless it was with her,” revealed a source. “She desperately wants to have a baby girl, and she had hoped Kevin would be the dad.”
Britney, meanwhile, appeared in Perth, Australia, donning a see-through T-shirt and no bra, her tits really getting into the spirit of being Down Under.
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It’s normal to derive joy from certain smells. The perfume your high-school girlfriend wore. Freshly Pine Sol-ed floors. Cinnabon. But wet, runny, steamy piles of infant feces? That’s just nasty. Sarah Jessica Parker, however, equates that to a softly burning vanilla-eucalyptus soy candle. She told Elle (via PopEater):
I love the smell of diapers; I even like when they’re wet and you smell them all warm liked a baked good. I love the smell of Balmex. Love it.
Other smells SJP is fond of? Taco burps. Cod liver oil. Retirement homes. The Dumpster behind Joe’s Crab Shack. You know, normal stuff.
“A Asshole” Chris Brown has been so busy picking up horse apples for community service, while Rihanna has remained occupied by wearing an array of completely see-throughoutfits, that we almost forgot about the fact that he beat the shit out of her with closed fists and threatened to kill her. Just kidding, we didn’t forget about it. And neither did Rihanna, who told her side of the story to Diane Sawyer. She says:
“I stayed. I even went back after he beat me, which was wrong … I’m a human being and people put me on a very unrealistic pedestal. I’m not perfect. It’s pretty natural for that to be the first reaction. It’s completely normal to go back and start lying to yourself. The minute the physical wounds go away, you want this thing to go away. This is a memory you don’t want to have again.”
And then she ran her fingers through her bleached flop, jumped on her Vision, and did some ollies while listening to Suicidal Tendencies’ “Join the Army” on tape.
Note: CelebNewsWire does not condone or make light of domestic violence but we do think Rihanna’s current hairdo is real funny.
Remember when Megan Fox went totally out of character and tried to be sexy in Rolling Stone a couple months ago? You were like, “WTF, world? Megan Fox sexy? Is this like Halloween or something? I don’t get it.” Now outtakes (60 of them! 60! Geesh) have hit the internets thanks to Foxy-Megan.com, and they’re even hot awesome sexier than the ones that made the cut. That is if you’re a fan of necrophilia. In at least half of the shots Meg looks like she just downed a couple bottles of Ambien. Maybe Tyra Banks needs to take this chickadee under her wings and teach her to smize.
Yesterday, Radar released some voicemails from Lindsay Lohan to her mesh shirt-favoring father figure, Michael Lohan. We didn’t post them because they made us real sad in our souls but today Lindsay’s addressing them so fuck it, here they are. A transcript:
“No one cares about me. They don’t, by the way. It’s about how they feel, not how I feel. It’s not about me. It’s never been about me, unless I fight for it . . . Mommy says that I’m worse than you were. And she’s defending . . . She doesn’t back me . . . she doesn’t stand by me.”
These words were peppered with painfully heart-wrenching sobs and honestly, when we listened, we honestly tossed around the idea of quitting our near-constant Lindsay-skewering. But then we’d be the nice blog, and Celebitchy’s already holding that title, so scurrilous we remain.
Lindsay took to Twitter and responded to the voice mails, saying:
“My fathers [sic] such a loser & those recordings are from years ago. To release personal things is foul enough, but to edit them … I used to think that he needed the book for dummies on learning how to be a father. Haha-he’s [sic] needs the book for dummies on HOW TO BE A MAN”
He does need that book. It’s worked wonders for us. After we read it we started quoting Tucker Max and sitting on the subway with our legs spread comically wide apart and now we make 76 more cents an hour!
Lindsay won’t tweet at us. Will you? Twitta atcha boy!
We’ve got some news today that is going to make you question your entire world view. It’s going to shock you so much, you’ll end up thinking crazy shit, like the ocean is red, human hair is food, and Kevin Federline is talented. Get ready for this, folks: reality TV isn’t real! We understand if you need to retire to the nearest fainting couch. Reports Page Six:
NBA star Rashad McCants says there was nothing real about his stint on former girlfriend Khloe Kardashian’s reality show. The shooting guard said Khloe and sister Kourtney, who claimed he cheated on Khloe, “made the whole thing up.” McCants said a “Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami” episode — where they were seen hacking into McCants’ voice mail and listening to suggestive phone messages apparently left for him by a female fan — was staged. He said the curvy sisters did not have his current phone number and he and Khloe “had already called it quits” in January, before the segment was even taped.
We know you’re upset about this truly unbelievable accusation, so we’ve planned a little pick me up: a story about Kim Kardashian getting punched in the face! Hey, who are we to judge what amuses you? We just report the facts. Says Popeater:
Kim Kardashian offered herself as a punching bag for charity.The reality TV starlet participated in a boxing event that benefits The Dream Foundation at the Commerce Casino in Commerce, California. Kardashian took several punches to the face and eventually lost the fight. She’s even sporting a day-after black eye from the dust-up.
Hmmm. That looks a bit more like too much of Urban Decay’s S&M shade and excessive Fabulash to us.
She converted an entire nation from breast men to ass men. She wore a dress slit to her crotch. She dated Puffy Doodle Dandy, she made it cool to douse oneself in $1000 creams and demand a dressing room full of pure white orchids, and she once pooped on Ben Affleck. She is J. Lo, and eight years ago she wielded power like her giant ass was Excalibur itself. Today, she’s a suburban housewife who lives under the rule of her corpsey husband Marc Anthony, so it’s nice to hear that she may be emerging back into the spotlight with a J. Lo sex tape. The Enquirer bravely reports:
The tape includes footage of the beauty playing sexy bedroom games with first husband Ojani Noa. In one sizzling scene, J.Lo is looking at herself in a bathroom mirror, wearing only a bra and panties – and showing off her famous butt . . . naughty Jennifer [is] seen on the tape in skimpy underwear being chased around the bedroom by Noa, who playfully spanks her. In another eye-popping shot, a clearly immodest J.Lo laughs as the camera catches her climbing onto a motorcycle wearing a short dress and no panties.
No one knows where the motorcycle went that day. But some say that if you shake J. Lo like a piggy bank, it will come rattling out of her ass along with 4 bicycles, a Sit n’ Spin, and a chestnut broodmare.
Her body stay vicious! She drive these brothers crazy, she do it on the daily! She’s Fergie Ferg, and she love you long time. So why would her husband, the handsome and <strike>talented</strike> handsome Josh Duhamel creep behind her back to dork a stripper? People tries to make some sense out of this infidelity madness.
Josh Duhamel and wife Fergie are denying another round of allegations from an Atlanta stripper that she had a one-night stand with the actor.
“This is not the first nor will it be the last time that a stripper was paid a large amount of money to sell a false story about a celebrity,” says Duhamel’s rep. “This story is absolutely ridiculous.”
A rep for Fergie adds: “These allegations are nonsense.”
In her latest interview, Nicole Forrester says she had sex with Duhamel in an Atlanta hotel a week after he came into the Tattletale club, where she works as a dancer. Forrester says she has text messages and polygraph test to back her up.
“We did hook up and had lots of sex and we had a really, really good time,” Forrester told Atlanta radio station Q100’s “Bert Show” on Monday.
Honestly? There’s not much difference between Fergie and an Atlanta stripper. One of them releases urine out of her crotch onstage, the other one picks up dollar bills with her crotch onstage. Guess which.
Amy Winehouse has traded needles in the arm for needles in the boobs and lips. (The Blemish)
