• Anna Kournikova gets involved in a girl-on-girl brawl. Your fantasies become reality. (Daily Stab)

• Courtney Love vows to gain 15 pounds. Oh, it's going to be a hard road. A tough challenge to face. It will take a lot of dedication. She's going to have to eat food and . . . uh, yeah, that's about it. That should do it. (Celebitchy)

• Awkward celebrity boners. A beautiful stroll through a serene photo collage. (Cityrag)

• Happy birthday, Lindsay Lohan! Today, she turns 23. And her liver don't look a day over 52. (Drunken Stepfather)

• The eldest of the brothers Jonas, Kevin Jonas, is engaged to be married and reportedly will lose his virginity. Tween girls would be upset, but Kevin is known as Fugly Jonas so w/e. (Daily Stab)

• Renee Zellweger is dating Bradley Cooper. Aw, that's great! Wait, who's Bradley Cooper. (Allie Is Wired)

With celebrities dropping like John Mayer's pants at a sorority mixer, there's one thing we could all use today. And that one thing is video of a ridiculously pretty lady, totally naked but artfully hiding most of her nakedness with an Egyptian cotton sheet, writhing around on a bed while soft, romantic music plays. Doesn't that sound nice? Maybe not as nice as if she lost the sheet, but we'll take it. So enjoy this video of supermodel Bar Refaeli's nude ass. We don't know why she's being filmed naked, but we like it. If this is how Bar celebrates a break-up, then we hope George Clooney swoops in and snatches her up. For about a week.

Good morning. It's Thursday, July 2, and Michael Jackson is still dead. Here is the MJ poop scoop for today.

• TMZ is saying that MJ often used the aliases "Jack London" and "Omar Arnold" to get prescriptions. Futhermore:

The DEA, which is joining to assist the LAPD in its investigation of several doctors who prescribed drugs to Jackson, will be hunting down these names and others.

Sources tell us the prescription abuse was so egregious, one doctor would call the pharmacy and say Jackson was coming down to get Demerol. The pharmacy would then fill the prescription, leaving the patient's name blank.

Cool, that's kind of the relationship we have with Chipotle. We call and order 6 barbacoa burritos with quadruple sour cream and they're like, "Oh, hi Celebnewswire, come on down."

• Do you have a receptacle handy that might house your upchuck? Any old container will do. Grab whatever's closest--a recycling bin, a shoebox, your own lap--because you're about to find out more than you ever wanted to know about Michael Jackson having sexual intercourse with a woman. The Daily Mail ran a piece written by MJ's longtime bro, J. Randy Taraborrelli, who snitched:

From my conversations with both Michael and Lisa [Marie Presley], I am convinced this marriage was not a sham. And, according to Lisa herself, Jackson was a wonderful lover. He was, she said, 'very hot' in bed.

For Michael, it was the first time he had experienced such chemistry with a woman, or with anyone. He and Lisa appear to have had an intense and active sex life. She told a friend that he was 'hot stuff in bed' and 'amazing' - and she should know, the friend added, because 'she's been around'.

Nevertheless, some of his habits were a little odd. 'Michael liked her to wear jewellery in bed. They were into role-playing games, although Lisa would never say who was playing what kind of role. The first time, she went to turn on the lights afterwards, and he leapt out of bed and ran into the bathroom so she wouldn't see his body. He emerged 20 minutes later, in full make-up and wearing a silk robe. Then they went at it again.

That's just the tip of the barber pole. Go read the full piece. It's as intriguing and erotic as a Jackie Collins novel, only instead of a wealthy she-executive who seduces her Brazilian chauffeur, there's scrotum bleaching.

Aw, poor Mischa Barton. We're not generally in the business of feeling sorry for celebrities, but she's just so sad. There she was, the star of a huge hit television show, banger of Stretch Armstrong balls, on top of the world, getting naked in a freaking Richard Attenborough movie. And now here she is, looking alternately emaciated and bloated, trolling public bathrooms, her career rapidly tanking. About those public bathrooms, The Daily Mail says:

'After sitting with a few pals at her VIP table she dragged her friend Bridget into the loos.

'They tried to go into the toilet cubicle together but they were stopped by the toilet attendant.

'The lady said to her, "What are you doing? You are not allowed to go in together, you have to come out now."

'Mischa looked really p***ed off and embarrassed but her friend was fine about it.'

Despite a long queue, Mischa then decided to go into another cubicle alone - but her night didn't get any better.

She apparently took so long that the attendant was forced to check if she was feeling okay.

An onlooker said: 'She took so long to emerge that everyone was worried about her.

'At one point the toilet attendant had to knock on her door twice to ask if she was alright. Then her mate was knocking to check she was feeling okay.'

The source added: 'When she came out of the cubicle, she was complaining about people knocking on the door. She looked slightly worse for wear as she attempted to apply her make-up.'

See, the thing is, how can we make fun of that? Sad people make our job harder, and we don't like that. We prefer the whole, "Hey everybody, look at the girl who forgot to buy tampons" over "Hey everybody, look at the poor washed up star with a drug problem." It's much more fun being an asshole when people are stupid rather than pathetic. If only she came out of the stall with her underwear on her head. That we could make fun of.

So the other day, fun-sized Smurfling Hayden Panettiere told the press that she would be cool with taking off her Panettieres for a movie. We thought she was just phunking with our hearts, but now it looks like she may put her money where her mouth is for the upcoming I Love You Beth Cooper. Popeater eats pop and then regurgitates it in the form of some Hayden quotes:

The 20-year-old actress bares all in her new film, and as she tells PEOPLE, she has absolutely no problem with it while she's got youth on her side. "If I can't flaunt it at 20, come on! I mean I might as well show it now,"

In the film, Panettiere has a scene in a high school locker room, where she drops her towel.

"It didn't bother me much. I think when the person who's doing it gets all uncomfortable and shy, then it's other people around who get more uncomfortable because they're uncomfortable. I mean I was fine – everyone was really professional," Panettiere says of her revealing scene.

"Bares all". Pah! We've heard it all before. Listen, everyone is going to go cuckoo and blow spontaneous loads after reading that quote but hold up! Remember the cautionary tale of The Proposal. "Full frontal!" Sandra Bullock said. "Nude scene!" everyone crowed. And it turns out that all we can actually see after editing is some wet shoulder blades and maybe the world's blurriest view of buttcrack. So rein in your dongs, dorks. Hayden "bares all" means "from the clavicles up", not "DP anal". And it should be noted that the world's #1 celebrity nudity expert, Mr. Skin, has Skin Skouts tracking down the movie right this minute, to get the scoop on exactly what Hayden shows--and what she doesn't. In the meantime, head over there to get the full report on Hayden nude, as well as any other celebrity you can think of. Even Jessica Tandy. No, we're not kidding.

By our count, Lindsay Lohan hasn't really worked since I Know Who Killed Me. Sure, there was that tumultuous stint on Ugly Betty, but since no one's watched that show since at least 2007, it doesn't really seem to count. And that fake-preggo movie that will be on ABC Family or some shit, it seems like that was filmed like eight years ago at this point. Other than that, it's been all about magazine photo shoots, which might bring in a nominal fee but not enough to keep up her hair extensions, and public appearances. And we don't give a shit what celebtards say, getting paid thousands upon thousands of dollars to show up at a club and drink and dance around and ignore the peons is not work. To normal people, that's fun. That's how you unwind from real work. So we're a bit confused by Lindsay's claim that she's a workaholic. She said:

It’s not that hard to be me, but I do work harder than most of my friends’ parents. I am the hardest-working person I know. I’m a workaholic. I don’t know what to do when I’m not working. I get creatively frustrated.

Oh, she must be talking about all that hard work that goes into promoting her can-tan and BJ leggings. Which as far as we can tell involves throwing parties to get the word out about the totally awesome products that she slapped her name on. Yep. That must be tiring.

Hey, everybody, it's Wednesday, July 1 and Michael Jackson is still dead. Here's the crap for today.

• TMZ is saying that the piglets seized a crazy dangerous and hard-to-get drug from MJ's home that will most likely turn out to be the cause of his death.

We're told the drug Propofol was discovered at the residence. The drug is used to put people under anesthesia before surgery. It is an extremely powerful drug that is only available to medical personnel. As one source said, "There is no conceivable way this drug can be properly prescribed for home use."

Sources say the drug is so inappropriate and reckless for home use, if a doctor facilitated it for Jackson and it caused his death, he or she could be prosecuted for manslaughter.

Yeah, but the dude had so many surgeries that being under anesthesia most likely felt like a normal state for him at that point. It's hard to feel truly alive unless you have a face stuffed with gauze and a catheter in, you know?

• Yahoo says that his body is back at Neverland Ranch for a public viewing and that the will will be filed today. That's not super interesting but we just thought you should know.

• But here's something that is very super interesting indeed. Yesterday everyone was saying that Debbie Rowe was just a surrogate and didn't provide the eggs that made Prince Michael and Paris Jackson. Now Debbie says she is indeed the bio mom. And Michael Jacko is neither the bio father nor the adoptive father, because he never formally filed paperwork! So who the daddy is? Why, this gorgeous hunk, Michael's dermatologist and Debbie Rowe's former boss, Arnold Klein. Not only is he handsome, but he is a fine doctor, and knows that the best cure for acne, rosacea, and melanoma is some dank nugs from a few fat-ass rips off a gravity bong.

Face it, the world isn't fair. You work your ass off asking people if they want fries with that, and you can barely afford the maintenance on your Pinto. But all Simon Cowell has to do is tell some delusional 18-year-old that he sounds like a raccoon stuck in the blades of a manual lawn mower and he gets millions of dollars thrown at him. Make that millions and millions and millions of dollars, if rumors about his contract negotiations are to be believed. Says the New York Post:

EARLY salary figures from Simon Cowell's "American Idol" contract negotiations are leaking out and they're eye-popping.

Cowell, who reportedly made $36 million last year for judging the hit competition show, has been offered three or four times that amount -- between $100 million and $144 million per year -- by co-producers Fox and 19 Entertainment to stick with "Idol" when his contract expires next May, according to The Guardian, a London newpaper.

God, $144 million just to tell people they suck and should stick to stripping or slinging crack or whatever it is that they do when they're not torturing eardrums? If those are the rewards for being a total bitch, we might have to start spreading our hate around here at CelebNewsWire. Although we wouldn't want Paris Hilton and Denise Richards to feel neglected.